DIARY OF A LOCKDOWN

Yolisa Mkele puts up a brave resistance to the creeping onslaught of sloth and skineroding hand washing in part two of his diary of coronavirus desolation

Day 5

I’ve decided to don a suit and work from the study. It probably has something to do with the fact that spending whole days working from bed is starting to feel a little gross. There are no ostensible effects as yet, but it feels like my metaphysical arteries are getting clogged up with sloth. Also, I clean up well and the streets need to know that. Having woken up at noon, had a snack and draped myself in Woolworths finest, I knuckle down for a bit. The sun, however, is down and yesterday’s new episode of Westworld is calling like the One Ring called to Frodo. The character of that show is changing. Anyway, supper time and reruns of Would I Lie To You? put me into a dream-filled slumber in the early am hours.

Day 6

E-mails, text conversations with people I rarely used to talk to and omnipresent notifications from Houseparty. This has become life now. Everyone is bored and running out of new things to talk about so, like Roman roads, all conversations lead to coronavirus: insert eyeroll emoji. We get it. More people in Italy died, Cyril is doing a great job and Trump’s inability to keep his story straight is yet another feather in his dunce cap. We are all staying home, even though it’s cripplingly boring and we’re washing the skin off our hands. Can someone please talk about something else?

Day 7

We had our first proper Zoom meeting today. It was fun watching that pan out. And now, because the next person who mentions coronavirus in my presence is going to get coughed on, I am retiring to my room, closing the door and bingeing on the third season of Ozark. But before that, some light YouTube viewing.

Day 8

Holy donkey scrotum, that was a good show! I thought I’d knock the season out over a few days but Marty and his family dramas are like visual crack. So I’ve managed to hoover the entire show in 11 hours. God! I feel drained, like I’ve just had the kind of sex that leaves your legs weak and your chest heaving. There are about 100 red bubbles on my phone telling me something, but I don’t care. That was amazing. It’s also weird because I started Ozark around midnight and now it’s 10am. I haven’t been awake at this time in a week. Being awake with the rest of the world feels weird, intrusive, like the earth has had too much coffee and can’t keep still. It’s too much. A nap is needed.

*******

That’s better. Now it’s 7pm and everything is calmer. Type, exercise, eat, bath. With that out the way, it’s time to see what Friday night holds. On second thoughts, Would I Lie To You? has been particularly funny and I need to conserve wine anyway. The world can see me tomorrow.

Day 9

Somehow I slept through an entire day. I went to bed when it was dark and when I woke up again it was dark. Oh well, time doesn’t really matter anyway. At this point I discover that I have a date in a few hours, so time to spruce the study up, get the candles going, put on a pretty shirt and get the wine open. *******

Well, the date went brilliantly, stayed up talking till 3am.

Day 10

Sundays are for sleeping and YouTube.

Day 11

Watching 13 seasons of Would I Lie To You? has led to an affection for comedian David Mitchell. Apparently he did a show called Peep Show and its on Netflix. After I get through the usual routine of typing, eating and bathing, I think I’ll explore it.