The Emperor has no mask
What would happen if the most powerful man in the free world is asked to vacate his palace? Nadine Dreyer wonders
The Emperor muttered under his breath as he rocked back on his chair and put his feet up on the Resolute desk. If he’d known Abraham Lincoln’s job was going to be this annoying he’d have stayed at Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach watching cable television, eating burgers and playing golf. Mmmm, he could still watch cable television, eat burgers and play golf, but now he constantly had to swat away those irritating nobodies who bugged him like fleas on a rabid dog.
Just the other day he was walking down Pennsylvania Avenue with his Praetorian Guard when a five-year-old pointed a finger at him and yelled: “The fat guy doesn’t have any clothes on!”
Another squirt piped up: “Mommy, I can see Teletubby’s yankee doodle!”
Had he slunk off to buy some Calvin Kleins? No ways, he was the Emperor! He’d cuffed both boys on the head and booted them back into the crowd.
Didn’t people realise he’d done the best job ever? What other president had tweeted the American people thousands and thousands of times? Did George Washington? Did Thomas Jefferson? No sirrrreeee, they didn’t!
He took his bubblegum out of his mouth and stuck it under the Resolute desk. Life at the top of the haystack wasn’t always all it was cracked up to be, but today he felt like a conquering general. He’d personally defeated the dreaded coronavirus and his bravery had given the American people courage, “Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life,” he’d told them.
OK, he’d never actually been to war, but could it be worse than three days at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center with tinned fruit and lumpy custard for pudding?
What was the big deal with generals anyway? He’d panzered Colin Powell out of the park in June when the general announced he was switching sides and voting for Democrat Joe Biden. He’d blitzed back with a tweet: “Didn’t Powell say that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction? They didn’t, but off they went to WAR!”
And the fake news factory accused him of telling lies? In July The Washington Post claimed he had told 20,000 piggys since becoming CEO of the free world in 2016.
Seriously, guys, did you ever fact-check Colin and his boss George Dubya? Since 9/11 and the “war on terror” at least 37-million people had been uprooted from their homes. Millions and millions had died. The American people had forked out a whopping $6.4trillion for their military safari. How many condos could be built with that kind of money! Those two should have been in jail.
Blabbering hacks kept hammering on about how he was totalling the American dream. Was he the mastermind behind Guantanamo Bay? They said he was a white supremacist, but none of them cared a damn about shithole places like Afghanistan and Iraq either.
He hadn’t started wars from the Oval Office. All he’d done was write a few love letters to Kim Jong-un, his pal from North Korea. One day soon he’d share a burger with Rocket Man and buy himself a Nobel Peace Prize.
He took a sip of Diet Coke and munched on an Oreo cookie. Strange, since he came out of the Walter Reed everybody in the White House was avoiding him like a hyena with halitosis, grabbing their hazmat suits as he came down the corridor.
Melania had also caught the virus but very few people asked how she was doing. Did they keep forgetting she was the First Lady? The best! She’d been extremely busy since joining him at the White House. Had changed America forever by renovating the White House rose garden. Beat that, Michelle Obama!
He thought fondly of the supermodel wife with legs so long only a billionaire could afford them. Melania understood the art of the deal. She had a simple carat and stick approach to life.
He’d bought her lots of carats after she’d agreed to go on the Howard Stern show in 1999 to discuss their “incredible sex”.
She’d hauled out her stick when the infamous “pussy tape” had surfaced just before voting day in 2016. The world was really a sick place if a guy could no longer brag to his buddies about grabbing women by the pussy! Melania could have torpedoed his chances by giving him the pink slip, but he’d bought her a bunch of carats worthy of Elizabeth Taylor, so she’d packed away her stick.
He rocked back and forward in his chair. Swat! The fleas wouldn’t stop biting him. Late night television host Trevor No-It-All joked that Melania couldn’t leave him anyway. “I mean, if she divorces him, she gets half of the $400m in debt.”
He was making a joke about the fake news manufactured by The New York Times. They said his business empire was made of straw and he was $400m in the red. They said he could even go to jail! (At least orange was his favourite colour.)
His enemies said he hated immigrants. He loved them! He had married two! His first wife, Ivana, was Czech (he’d always joked the Czech was in the post). Melania was from Slo … Slovenly … anyway, somewhere in Eastern Europe. He’d noticed though that his smokey-eyed sphinx was frowning more than usual. Was she starting to buy into the propaganda that his empire was just a pyramid scheme?
But the thing that had gotten her really mad was the claim he had paid $750 in tax in 2016 and 2017. “You pay no tax for 10 years, then you go soft? I could spend $750 on nice pedicure.”
There was one thing that made them soulmates, one thing they absolutely agreed on: #bighairmatters. She had no problem with the $70,000 he coughed up to style his hair for television.
The haters never gave up. He’d come under flak for blistering Sleepy Joe in the debating ring on television. They said he’d interrupted Biden and referee Chris Wallace 128 times. Did Muhammad Ali hold back when he flattened Joe Frazier? Did Muhammad Ali hold back when he whupped Sonny Liston? This wasn’t just a boxing match, this was a fight to remain lord of the big white house with a kitchen so large it could serve dinner to as many as 140 guests and hors d’oeuvres to more than 1,000. A house that needed 570 gallons of paint just to cover the outside. As a real estate developer he knew all about houses.
November 3 was closer than a golf course and the media were warning that he would steal the election if he lost.
One of these pseudo sages who wrote for The Atlantic (never read it) said: “That’s a man who won’t leave. There are many aspects of his past behaviour and, frankly, his pathology that lead me to think this is an immutable decision on his part.”
Seriously guys? He would never lose the election, so why would he steal it? Jared and Ivanka kept telling him the American people loved him and they were his senior advisers.
Besides, he hadn’t said anything that he hadn’t said in 2016. Just days before the face-to-face battle with Hillary Clinton he’d stated loud and clear: “I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the United States that I will totally accept the results of this great and
He thought fondly of the supermodel wife with legs so long only a billionaire could afford them. Melania understood the art of the deal. She had a simple carat and stick approach to life
historic presidential election, IF I WIN!”
So what was the big deal this time?
He aimed his empty Diet Coke tin at the George Washington portrait. What would happen if he just simply refused to budge? No president had done this, so would anyone know what to do?
He summoned a group of his closest confidants. EMPEROR: Guys, imagine it’s noon on January 20 2021 and everybody says Sleepy Joe is the guy who must be inaugurated. What if I refuse to call the removal vans and hole up in the Oval Office?
AIDE NUMBER ONE: I wouldn’t recommend that Mr President, the first thing they’ll do is deactivate the nuclear football.
The Emperor scratched his head. Ahhhh, he remembered, there was a military guy who followed him around every time he left the White House with a black briefcase in case he had to authorise a nuclear attack.
EMPEROR: I don’t care about nukes. Rocket Man is my friend, he’s not gonna attack us.
AIDE NUMBER TWO: The military will ignore you, sir. They’ll salute the new president. Our constitution says: “The terms of the President and
Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January.” There are no ifs, buts or maybes, sir.
The Emperor shrugged, he didn’t think much of the military. Only good for squashing unarmed activists demonstrating for human rights.
AIDE NUMBER ONE: If you order the military to do anything they will ignore you. If they circle the White House to protect you they will be found guilty of mutiny and sedition.
AIDE NUMBER TWO: The Secret Service will abandon you. Don’t take it personally Mr President, they do that to every president whose term is up. But you will have a small group assigned to protect you and your family for the rest of your lives.
Damn, did that mean there would always be some inscrutable muppet in Ray-Bans around when he wanted to cheat at golf?
AIDE NUMBER ONE: They’d soon cut off the lights to the Oval Office and you’d be in the dark.
How would Melania power her hair dryer? The Emperor grimaced for a moment but it didn’t take long before he cheered up.
He knew how to tie opponents in legal knots more intricate than a bondage specialist on the Las Vegas strip. Even his greatest foes had to admit he was very, very good at that.