’Tis the season for gifting
● The silly season is upon us, and I thought I’d play Santa to some of our most beloved politicians and their parties. To President Cyril Ramaphosa: first, a safe for your Phala Phala hideout, to lock away foreign currency and all the valuables that come with being a buffalo trader trying to run a country part-time.
A pair of new veldskoene, not just to replace your hideous leather shoes but to help you find your way to the Union Buildings. The country is falling apart and needs leadership. Asked why he was not keen to serve as George W Bush’s running mate, the late John McCain once told a reporter: “[A] vice-president has two duties. One is to inquire daily as to the health of the president, and the other is to attend the funerals of third-world dictators. And neither of those do I find an enjoyable exercise.” Deputy president Paul Mashatile: Santa’s wish is to see you attend more funerals of third-world dictators so you can spend less time fraternising with tenderpreneurs, slay queens and other characters of the shady kind. You are no longer an ANC official, you are the second-in-command now, so act like it. To minister in the Presidency Khumbudzo Ntshavheni: a cure for foot-in-mouth disease. You have spent the better part of the year spewing balderdash; from grossly insensitive remarks about victims of a tragic fire that gutted the Usindiso Building in the Joburg CBD, to accusing business of trying to collapse government through manipulation of the rand. Go and rest, ma’am; the hot air you emitted this year significantly increased our carbon dioxide emissions. To police minister Bheki Cele: a police training course. You spend so much time usurping the role of the national police commissioner you might as well do the training course. You already have the hats, so the badge will complete the pseudo-sheriff look quite nicely.
For home affairs minister
Aaron Motsoaledi: a new set of legal advisers. It’s frankly embarrassing how the Helen Suzman Foundation runs rings around you in court on the Zimbabwean exemption permits.
For finance minister Enoch Godongwana: a pot of endless gold, because money indeed does not grow on trees. You’ve borrowed to the hilt; but 2024 being an election year, demand for more money will be intensifying — especially from your own party.
Oh but Santa doesn’t mean the Gold and Foreign Exchange Contingency Reserve Account. That’s not the pot of gold. It’s for rainy days, so please don’t touch it.
To Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma, Blade Nzimande, Naledi Pandor, Angie Motshekga, Thulas Nxesi, Patricia De Lille: a peaceful and quiet retirement life. Spend more time with the grandkids, go on a cruise, whatever. Just call it a day!
Dear John Steenhuisen, leader of the DA. Santa is buying you a personality. You must be the most unlikeable fellow ever in the history of opposition politics.
Even members of your own party don’t seem to like you much, let alone the rest of the country.
No wonder the funders are shopping for a new face to lead the Multi-Party Charter.
For Julius Malema and the rest of the red-onesie brigade: any type of medication or herbal remedy that will help calm you down.
Chaps, there’s absolutely no need to go through life carrying so much anger.
You spend a lot of time in Cape Town, go and take walks by the beach or hike up Table Mountain; it’s quite therapeutic.
Or maybe that’s not such a great idea since you want them expropriated.
IFP leader Velenkosini Hlabisa: you get an exorcism machine to banish the ghost of your late predecessor.
My guy, I hear they are planning to put Mangosuthu Buthelezi’s face on the ballot paper next year to attract more votes.
That’s just brutal.
To the leaders of the smaller parties: how to make a living after parliament because only one or two of you are coming back after the elections.
To ActionSA’s Herman Mashaba and the Patriotic Alliance’s Gayton McKenzie: looks like you’ll be replacing a lot of these washed-out smaller parties, so no gifts from Santa since parliament will be sorting you out with 83 plane tickets to Cape Town and free accommodation at Akasia Park.
Finally, to the ANC: only a miracle will save you from falling below 50% in 2024. Sorry, Santa doesn’t trade in miracles.
Ho ho ho!