WIRED FOR CONNECTION
With therapy, couples can break unhealthy patterns and forge a happy relationship, writes Iza Trengove
“Iam the breadwinner. I have to stay focused and be strong, and frankly there’s no time for intimacy.” This comes from a friend who’s been married for more than 20 years. Another friend says she’d rather stay single than be in a relationship in which she’s expected to share her vulnerabilities. She fears rejection and pain.
So what is “intimacy” all about, and how important is it in a long-term romantic relationship?
Intimacy means different things to different people. Studies have found that the nature of intimacy has changed over time. It’s difficult to define the term because it’s influenced by people’s social, cultural and technological experiences.
Couples also have different opinions of what intimacy is. In Western culture, intimacy is increasingly seen as a shift towards greater personal and emotional connection. There are at least five types of intimacy — physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual.
Marlene Wasserman, a clinical sexologist and trauma expert, says a deep sense of connection is usually what distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one. It’s about allowing your partner to know you fully, feeling safe, and being seen.
Once such a connection has been established, the relationship usually develops into a physical one. This is when partners feel safe to make themselves vulnerable and share their sexual needs.
Putuke Kekana, a clinical psychologist, describes intimacy in romantic relationships as a continuous dance between connection, disconnection and reconnection.
Another clinical psychologist in private practice, Khosi Jiyane, says deep intimacy grows over time. It requires peeling back layers of vulnerability and eliminating boundaries. It’s letting someone in and knowing they will love you unconditionally. When both parties are fully present, intimacy develops spontaneously.
Kekana explains that couples have different ways to find deep connection. In some relationships, physical attraction and consensual sex, without strings attached, can be bonding. Sex can indicate that the partners genuinely care about each other.
If, after some time, both partners feel safer and there is sufficient mutual respect, physical intimacy can also lead to deep emotional intimacy.
Traditionally, men find it easier to connect emotionally by way of a physical connection. However, whatever approach is chosen, it must be acceptable to both partners.
IS EMOTIONAL INTIMACY ESSENTIAL?
Research has found that intimate relationships are a critical element of wellbeing and overall health. However, according to Wasserman, despite its benefits, relationships without intimacy aren’t necessarily doomed. Problems arise when two partners have different needs and are unable to reach consensus about where they should compromise, which could lead to a breaking point.
Jiyane agrees and adds that it’s essential for couples to have frank discussions about their emotional and physical needs. Often, despite the lack of emotional intimacy, partners can settle for a functional relationship with benefits such as trust, sex, respect and kindness, even though there are no deep emotional connections.
WHY DO WE STRUGGLE WITH DEEP EMOTIONAL INTIMACY?
One of the main stumbling blocks for finding deep connection is past trauma.
Gabor Maté, a trauma expert and author of five bestselling books, writes: “Trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives. It shapes the way we live, the way we love, and the way we make sense of the world. It is the root of our deepest wounds. It could impact on our communication and emotional wellbeing, as well as the ability to maintain a healthy relationship.”
Dr Diane Poole Heller, a relationship counsellor and author, says: “Deep down, we’re all wired for connection, intimacy and love.” From the moment a baby is born, the nurturing it receives affects its capacity to build social connections.
Wasserman says that many of us have experienced childhood trauma. If a baby’s basic needs are met, its attachment style is likely to be confident. As it grows older, it generally experiences the world as being a safe place and believes that others can be trusted. If a baby’s needs are not met, it’s likely to develop an insecure attachment style as a way of coping.
If, for instance, a baby’s caring is ambivalent or inconsistent, that could create anxiety and lead to the adult person being needy or fearful in a relationship.
Another example would be if there was abuse or violence in a family. This disorganised style of parenting could lead to a person being inaccessible and feeling always on guard.
According to Kekana, a person may unconsciously re-enact adverse childhood parental relationship patterns.
Some victims of intimate partner violence, most of them women, may struggle to leave adult abusive relationships. This could be the result of growing up in an environment where they believe abuse is the price to be paid for intimacy. In an attempt to cope with this distorted belief, some individuals could fear or avoid experiencing intimacy because of feelings of vulnerability or worthlessness.
Jiyane says past experiences can also influence what we expect from a relationship and how we respond to it. Fortunately, a person can overcome childhood trauma or painful past experiences. It requires insight into his or her attachment style and intentionally changing behaviour patterns.
This process takes time, and therapy is often required. Kekana concludes that, fortunately, gender roles are changing, and women and men are rethinking their attitudes towards intimacy.
Men are no longer expected to be strong and dominant — they can express vulnerability and become emotionally connected without being constrained by social prescriptions about masculinity and femininity. Women no longer have to be subservient and dependent. Couples are encouraged to become empowered and obtain insight into their needs.
With therapy or support, they can break unhealthy patterns and reach consensus about how to navigate their lives in the future.
Healthy relationships can be achieved by two healthy people.
Deep down, we’re all wired for connection, intimacy and love — Dr Diane Poole Heller, relationship counsellor and author