Sunday Times - - Opinion -


He’s heavy, my brother

Malusi Gi­ga­byte has al­ways been known as a po­lit­i­cal heavy­weight, al­though over the years he has kept a low pro­file by avoid­ing throw­ing his weight around. But af­ter last week’s de­vel­op­ments, it is go­ing to be very dif­fi­cult for the pres­i­den­tial hope­ful to keep away from Weight Watch­ers. A naughty col­league of Hogarth sug­gested that, judg­ing by Malusi’s weight, it may be time we called him Min­is­ter Ter­abyte.

The not-so hon­ourable mem­ber

Given the glow­ing re­views Gi­ga­byte’s act­ing skills re­ceived on so­cial me­dia, who can blame him for walk­ing into par­lia­ment with a spring in his step. He did not doze off like some of his ANC col­leagues, but sat and lis­tened at­ten­tively to each and every speaker in the House of Chaos. That is how he man­aged to de­tect that the Peo­ple’s Bae was milk­ing his cam­era mo­ment for all it was worth. He flashed a pinky, grossly dis­parag­ing the size of Mbuyiseni Nd­lozi’s manhood. He later apol­o­gised, but the ques­tion he must an­swer is: “How do you know?”

Some­thing in the air

In other pe­nis news, two US Marine pi­lots were grounded af­ter be­ing in­volved in a sky pe­nis draw­ing in­ci­dent over Cal­i­for­nia in Oc­to­ber. Ac­cord­ing to the Wash­ing­ton Ex­am­iner, the flight path of the T-34C was picked up on radar and posted to Twit­ter, show­ing what ap­peared to be a gi­ant pe­nis. Hogarth hopes that Gi­ga­byte, who was known to im­per­son­ate pi­lots in his pre­vi­ous port­fo­lio, was not in­volved in this in­ci­dent.

Tito-ing on the edge

While SA bat­tled a tech­ni­cal re­ces­sion, fi­nance min­is­ter Tito Mboweni was busy declar­ing war on Twit­ter (we’re not sure with who yet — it could be the me­dia or per­haps the banks that don’t want to loan him money again). Un­cle Tito, shouldn’t you be declar­ing war on poverty, un­em­ploy­ment or some other is­sue your party promised to end? Next you’ll be shout­ing at jour­nal­ists, kick­ing them out of brief­ings and re­vok­ing their press cards like a cer­tain Western leader you’re start­ing to sound a lot like.

The son don’t shine

It was Duduzane Zuma’s shenanigans with the Gup­tas that ul­ti­mately led to his fa­ther’s down­fall. You would think other aspir­ing No 1s would have taken note. It emerged this week that McBuf­falo’s son Andile has also been deal­ing with dodgy char­ac­ters. Thanks to MiniObama, we know that Rama­post­poner’s boy pock­eted R500k from the con­tro­ver­sial Bosasa com­pany.

McBuf­falo ad­mit­ted the young buf­falo re­ceived the money for le­git­i­mate work done, but Andile told jour­nal­ists that he knew noth­ing about the money. What have we here? The same script, dif­fer­ent char­ac­ters.

Bring­ing the house down

You’d think that with Baba kaDuduzane hav­ing re­tired to his state-spon­sored Nkandla re­sort, the Na­tional Assem­bly would go back to nor­mal. But the hooli­gans we elected to par­lia­ment have not had enough of the chaos.

It started when the DA’s John Steen­huisen re­fused to be in­ter­rupted by peo­ple he called “VBS bank loot­ers”.

The Com­man­der-in-Thief of the Red Beret Bri­gade did not take kindly to the jibe and la­belled Steen­huisen “a racist young white man who was ac­cused of rape”.

It went fur­ther down­hill when An­dries Tlouamma of Agang, the stokvel started by Mam­phela Ram­phele, tried to in­ter­vene, telling an EFF MP to “fokof”. A fist fight en­sued, lead­ing to the ses­sion be­ing ad­journed. Maybe the prob­lem wasn’t the Nkandla Crooner af­ter all.

Malusi Gi­gaba

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