WRITE TO HOGARTH@SUNDAYTIMES.CO.ZA
He’s heavy, my brother
Malusi Gigabyte has always been known as a political heavyweight, although over the years he has kept a low profile by avoiding throwing his weight around. But after last week’s developments, it is going to be very difficult for the presidential hopeful to keep away from Weight Watchers. A naughty colleague of Hogarth suggested that, judging by Malusi’s weight, it may be time we called him Minister Terabyte.
The not-so honourable member
Given the glowing reviews Gigabyte’s acting skills received on social media, who can blame him for walking into parliament with a spring in his step. He did not doze off like some of his ANC colleagues, but sat and listened attentively to each and every speaker in the House of Chaos. That is how he managed to detect that the People’s Bae was milking his camera moment for all it was worth. He flashed a pinky, grossly disparaging the size of Mbuyiseni Ndlozi’s manhood. He later apologised, but the question he must answer is: “How do you know?”
Something in the air
In other penis news, two US Marine pilots were grounded after being involved in a sky penis drawing incident over California in October. According to the Washington Examiner, the flight path of the T-34C was picked up on radar and posted to Twitter, showing what appeared to be a giant penis. Hogarth hopes that Gigabyte, who was known to impersonate pilots in his previous portfolio, was not involved in this incident.
Tito-ing on the edge
While SA battled a technical recession, finance minister Tito Mboweni was busy declaring war on Twitter (we’re not sure with who yet — it could be the media or perhaps the banks that don’t want to loan him money again). Uncle Tito, shouldn’t you be declaring war on poverty, unemployment or some other issue your party promised to end? Next you’ll be shouting at journalists, kicking them out of briefings and revoking their press cards like a certain Western leader you’re starting to sound a lot like.
The son don’t shine
It was Duduzane Zuma’s shenanigans with the Guptas that ultimately led to his father’s downfall. You would think other aspiring No 1s would have taken note. It emerged this week that McBuffalo’s son Andile has also been dealing with dodgy characters. Thanks to MiniObama, we know that Ramapostponer’s boy pocketed R500k from the controversial Bosasa company.
McBuffalo admitted the young buffalo received the money for legitimate work done, but Andile told journalists that he knew nothing about the money. What have we here? The same script, different characters.
Bringing the house down
You’d think that with Baba kaDuduzane having retired to his state-sponsored Nkandla resort, the National Assembly would go back to normal. But the hooligans we elected to parliament have not had enough of the chaos.
It started when the DA’s John Steenhuisen refused to be interrupted by people he called “VBS bank looters”.
The Commander-in-Thief of the Red Beret Brigade did not take kindly to the jibe and labelled Steenhuisen “a racist young white man who was accused of rape”.
It went further downhill when Andries Tlouamma of Agang, the stokvel started by Mamphela Ramphele, tried to intervene, telling an EFF MP to “fokof”. A fist fight ensued, leading to the session being adjourned. Maybe the problem wasn’t the Nkandla Crooner after all.