One woman’s story – it took her 30 years to face up to her husband’s abuse

SALLY du Preez (not her real name) is a businesswoman in her fifties who suffered three decades of abuse in her marriage before she called time. This is her story:

“I married at 19 for love, and my husband was my first sexual partner. From the outset I was the classic submissive wife because I didn’t know any bet- ter. He wanted complete control, and I let him have it. We were happy until the birth of our second child, a son, though he had hit me on occasion.

“Then the dynamic changed. He started finding fault with everything I did, belittling me constantly, telling me I was stupid and sexually inept. I was a stay-at-home mom and although things were unravelling at home, our friends thought we had the perfect marriage.

“I was very scared of him because he is intelligent and articulate, and I believed him when he said if I left, he’d find me and kill me.

“Things changed when he went back to full-time study and I became the breadwinner. My job had irregular hours and he was convinced I was being unfaithful and would grill me for hours about where I’d been and who I’d been with. The violence got worse. I would try to defend myself but mostly I tried to placate him.

“We started sleeping in separate bedrooms and I’d try to be asleep when he came home, especially if he’d been drinking. One night he attacked me and damaged my face badly. When I went to work a senior colleague said: ‘That’s it. You are going to the Advice Desk for Abused Women. Enough is enough.’

“I was in massive denial but the psychologist who helped me, asked me what I would advise another woman in my position to do, and I said: ‘Get the hell out.’ Every time I looked in the mirror, I had to face the fact that the violence was a reality. My life was not going to get better unless I left.

“Leaving was terrifying, but my life only began when I made that decision. Today, six years on, I have rediscovered who I am. I am confident and in a relationship with a man who respects me. We have fun, and share honesty and have sex that is not about subjugation or power play, but real caring. Any woman in the position I was, has to get objective professional help. You can do it. It took me 30 years, but I got there.”