BIRDS OUT ON A LIMB

I NOTICED two things upon returning to Durban after several months in Cape Town.

The first was that everyone drives at either 50km/h or 150km/h regardless of what lane they’re travelling in. It’s like cars here have two settings – dead slow and terrifyingly fast. There is no middle ground.

As I approached Westbrook, the second thing I noticed was that the Casuarina forest at the intersection of the M4 and Watson Highway had been killed (

pictured left is what remains).

These spiky North Coast beach trees had for years provided shade for picnickers and a guy selling brightly coloured beanbag chairs.

While I was gone, an axe murderer had got in among them. As a fan of random acts of savagery, I was delighted. We have far too many trees standing around contributing nothing to the economy.

What’s that? You produce oxygen? Please. Get a proper job.

I parked nearby and went over to make sure none of them was simply pretending to be dead. I kicked a couple of stumps. They didn’t respond.

Scattered among the severed limbs were dozens of nests. Silly birds. That’ll teach them to build their houses in trees. Imagine if we all did that.

A few days later I read in one of the local community papers that they are Masked Weavers. Any animal that wears a mask can’t be trusted.

Still, chopping down a forest just to teach them a lesson seemed a bit extreme.

But that wasn’t it. The Casuarinas, idiots that they are, had committed the cardinal sin of not being indigenous enough.

On top of that, they made the fatal mistake of growing on a piece of land owned by the Department of Transport. That’s just looking for trouble.

The decision to assassinate the forest was apparently made by a certain Stuart Whittaker, who owns a piece of land up the road at the southern entrance to Westbrook.

Nesting

I don’t know what these trees did to offend Whittaker, but it must have been something pretty damn serious for him to send in the elite troops from the 2nd Mounted Chainsaw Brigade.

The newspaper quoted residents who were upset at having come across nests that were still occupied by baby birds. A few could be saved but many were dead.

Whittaker said that, according to his research, their nesting time should have ended in January.

“I’m sorry. I did not know they were still nesting,” said Whittaker.

And how could he have known? Trawling the internet for information is so much more reliable, and considerably less tiring, than actually going out and looking up into the trees to check for any avian activity.

It’s not his fault that these masked bandits were taking their time with the nesting business.

So, weavers, if you’re reading this, remember to get your chicks out of the house as quickly as possible in future. And take off those masks. For all we know, you could be working for Islamic State.