Tis not the season to be a grinch

But with Ben, old habits die harder Durban POISON

MY JOB is to tarnish and traduce everyone and everything that crosses my path. Actually, I’m not sure what my job is. All I know is that every week I give the paper a few hundred splenetic words and in return I get a kick in the teeth. Fair enough.

So I thought I’d switch things around and make the last column of every year a positive one. One filled with hope. A column in which I help give people a reason to stick around for yet another sad, futile year of failure and loss.

This year, then, the happy column is about why I love South Africa. I’m not saying you should. I don’t care what or who you love. It’s probably yourself, though, since it’s only narcissistic sociopaths who read this filth.

Damn. It’s already getting away from me. Time for a quick rebuke. Be back in a moment. Ah, that’s better. Right. Where was I? The reasons I love this country. I tried kick-starting my imagination with a couple of beers. I’d had half a dozen before it occurred to me that one of the reasons I don’t hate South Africa was staring me right in the face. Or rather, chucking itself down my neck. This country will never become another Saudi Arabia because its people love their beer way too much to allow the imposition of Sharia law.

So, in a way, our overpowering love of beer is a hedge against the spread of religious fundamentalism. Beer, in other words, waters our freedom. Beer should be awarded the Order of Ikhamanga for its contribution to nation-building.

On the other hand, this country will never become another Switzerland because if we’re not drunk, we’re hung over, in jail or on the beach. We’re also lazier than Australia’s stoner sloth. I’m not talking about their prime minister, here. They really do have a stoned sloth that features in ads on the telly promoting the benefits of marijuana. Or something.

What else do I love about South Africa apart from its cheap beer? Let’s see. Hmm. This is harder than I thought it would be.

I quite like that we have a president who can’t count. He is unique in this regard. Other presidents can count to well over a hundred. Big deal. We have a special president and that makes South Africa special.

I love South Africa because it’s not a police state like North Korea or Australia. Okay, maybe that’s a bit extreme. Let’s be generous and say that North Korea is more of a totalitarian dictatorship. Since I’m in a good mood, let’s also say that Australia is more of a nanny state than a police state. We have plenty of nannies and we’re in a hell of a state, but at least there are no bars where you must have your fingerprints scanned before being allowed in.

There is far too much red tape in Australia. It can be found in all areas of business. Here, we have yellow tape. It can be found in all areas where crime is prevalent. That’s if the cops have even bothered turning up. And assuming they haven’t run out of yellow tape.

Unlike Australia, we don’t rely on the government to take care of us. That’s largely because they’re too busy taking care of themselves. In their defence, though, it must be said that Australia recently joined the growing community of enlightened nations where medical marijuana is legal.

In South Africa, home to some of the best weed in the world, smoking a joint is considered a more grievous offence than Facebook friending Oscar Pistorius or voting for the DA.

I love South Africa because you can live on the east coast if you prefer sunrises and the west coast if you’re into sunsets. I grew up in Durban and currently live there while I am between wives, but can’t remember ever seeing a sunrise. As someone who surfs, I prefer the warm water of the east coast.

So it’s a toss-up. No proper scenery, but no wetsuit and surrounded by a billion hungry Zulus, or pretty mountains, but covered in neoprene and surrounded by a billion hungry great white sharks.

I love South Africa because, thanks to draconian water restrictions, we have no choice but to drink beer or die.

I love South Africa because the only people who don’t suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder are those who are still in the process of being traumatised. This unites us as a nation and, once we overcome our profound cultural, racial, ethnic, tribal, linguistic and religious differences, we will finally be a homogenous society like Japan. I’m relying heavily on our diehard dogmatists and bigots not to let this happen.

I love South Africa because we hosted a successful Soccer World Cup without having to pay more than $10 million (R152m) in bribes. Other countries have paid much more.

I love South Africa because our national anthem contains a passage from Die Stem. This shows up Germany for its cowardice in not including lyrics by the Nazi Party’s poster boy Horst Wessel in their Deutschlandlied.

I love South Africa because we sing and dance when we’re happy as well as when we’re angry. Well, I don’t, but that’s because I have European genes. When I get angry I want to commandeer a frigate and attack the French, or plunder a small defenceless country.

Finally, I love South Africa because it’s not Zimbabwe. Yet.