The perfect regmaker… the bar is open
BEING the drinking season, I thought this excerpt from my book, Ben Trovato’s Art of Survival, might come in handy.
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in the first place.
They would have us believe that the first step towards avoiding a hangover lies in limiting the amount you drink. This is meaningless gibberish and does little to help the person battling to survive a hangover registering 17 on the open-ended Retchter Scale.
Some doctors try to tell you that hangovers are caused by dehydration. This is like saying floods cause drought and I, for one, will sign any petition that calls for these charlatans to be struck from the medical roll.
Dehydration is caused when the bartender ignores you because he is too busy catching bottles behind his back and flirting with all the pretty young things. In rare cases, dehydration is also caused when a girly little hormone that is meant to tell the body to conserve water can’t hold its liquor and passes out on the job. This results in you having to wee every few minutes.
With the floodgates open, the body starts borrowing water from less important organs – like the brain. This causes the grey stuff to shrink, which goes a long way towards explaining why stupid people with small brains suffer worse hangovers than smart people with big brains. I am the exception, here.
All alcohol contains methanol. I would have thought this is a good thing since it is also the fuel used in motocross bikes and, boy, can those babies go. But apparently not. The problem seems to be linked to yet another design flaw in the human body. Instead of using the methanol to accelerate the mind, the body inexplicably breaks it down into formaldehyde and formic acid.
What are our bodies thinking?
Some hangover symptoms are in part due to magnesium depletion. As we all know, magnesium constitutes 2 percent of the Earth’s crust. So before you go drinking, take the time to step out into the garden and grab a handful of that damn fine crust. You will be glad you did. Just remember to wash your face before you walk into the bar.
Not many drinkers can handle the sight of a grown man with a soil-encrusted mouth spraying bits of grass and earthworms everywhere as he shouts for another round.
A Japanese study showed that taking five grams of chlorella before drinking can prevent hangovers 96 percent of the time.
From what I can make out, chlorella seems to be some sort of algae. If the chlorella does nothing for you, try an antioxidant called dimethylaminoethanol. If that doesn’t work, whip up a Bloody Mary and wash down a handful of methylenedioxymethamphetamine. That should cheer you up.