Durban POISON
TO: Vhonani Ramaano, Secretary of the Ad Hoc Committee to Nominate a Person for Appointment as Public Protector
FROM: Advocate Ben Trovato
Dear Sir,
I assume you are a sir and not a madam because I imagine the government has had quite enough of madams fannying about in the office of the public protector.
However, if you are, in fact, a woman, which you may well be considering that you hold the position of secretary, then please accept my apologies.
Do not misconstrue this as an act of weakness. I am not grovelling. Do you hear me?
This is one of those apologies that men utter beneath their breath as they leave the room, head high.
I am eminently qualified for the position of public protector and you need look no further. For a start, I am a man. The smart money says the next public protector will be testicularly enhanced.
Advocate Thuli Madonsela ruined it for female successors through her pig-headed independence, relentless hard work and refusal to be intimidated.
I can assure you, sir/ madam, that I have the balls to be bought many times over.
If, by some act of gross competence, the ANC has not rigged the process and is looking for someone with feminine qualities as well as a backbone, then I am prepared to undergo hormone treatment and develop a firm set of morals. Both scenarios, though, seem unlikely.
Justice is often portrayed as a blindfolded lady holding a sword in one hand and scales in the other. But ask yourself one simple question. Who blindfolded her? A man. Who made the sword? A man.
The scales are irrelevant since they represent the weighing of ingredients of a recipe and have nothing to do with the law.
When I am public protector, my first act will be to create a new figure representing justice. It will be based on me, obviously. I don’t care what Lady Justice got up to in her private time, but I won’t be needing a blindfold.
Justice is not blind. You know who is blind? Blind people. None of whom, I might add, are judges or magistrates. Is this blind prejudice? Probably.
It doesn’t matter. Unlike Thuli, I will not bother myself with matters of prejudice when I am public protector. Prejudice is healthy.
Instead of a sword, I would like a Kalashnikov. Swords are gay. When it comes to the brisk dispensing of justice, you can’t go wrong with an AK-47.
I don’t mind keeping Ben Trovato in two guises as he prepares to play the role of public protector. the scales as long as people understand that they represent the weighing of marijuana and not flour.
On closer scrutiny of your advertisement, I discovered that my office is established in terms of something called Chapter 9 of the constitution.
This is unacceptable. It’s no wonder people don’t take the public protector seriously. The only book anyone in this country has ever read beyond chapter 1 is Fifty Shades of Grey. Either we sex up my responsibilities or we move me to the front of the constitution.
The Bill of Rights, for heaven’s sake, comes in at Chapter 2. The only Bill South Africans have heard of is Clinton. recreational drugs and violence against violent people. I also know many legalistic phrases such as “habeus porpoise” which is Latin for the right to be free like a dolphin. Let me know if you want more examples. Apparently, I must also be a “fit and proper person”. What the hell does this even mean? I can tell you right now that I am not fit. When I sat down to write
course, you mean in the British yobbo sense of the word. As in, “Phwoar! Look at her. She’s well fit.”
In that case, yes, Thuli is rather fit. Nice smile. Soft voice. But that’s women for you, innit? They start off all giggles and whispers but give it a couple of years and they’re melting your eyeballs with their voice.
As for the other thing, I can assure you that I am a proper person. What else could I be? A man with the