Lynette, you made my day, punk
IWANTED to write about this week’s dramatic developments on the local government front. I really did. It’s got to be worth something, right? Stop me if you’ve heard this one. The DA, the ACDP, the UDM, the Freedom Front Plus and Cope walk into a coalition... bugger. That’s all I’ve got.
I’ve tried my damnedest to mine the situation for humour but no matter how much I drink, I keep coming up empty.
Musi Maimane is not funny. Bantu Holomisa is definitely not funny. Mosiuoa Lekota is a little funny. Pieter Mulder is hilarious, but the laughter quickly turns to tears.
Where is our Donald Trump? It’s not right that America keeps setting the bar to new lows that few nations can reach.
Trump is comedy gold. It’s as if someone, maybe Jesus, poured all seven deadly sins into a sack of skin and said, “Go forth and represent the worst of humanity.”
Why would He do this? I have no idea. Jesus moves in mysterious ways. From what I’ve heard, he also had a wicked sense of humour.
Who else would turn water into wine and then, when everyone’s off their faces, urge them to stroll across the Sea of Galilee?
I’m not being altogether fair here. Trump embodies only six of the deadly sins. Sloth probably doesn’t apply to him in the same way it applies to, say, me.
Turning to Facebook for inspiration is like turning to vodka for sobriety, but I did it anyway and that’s where I found Lynette Oxley.
Her profile picture is of a Rottweiler looking as if he’s about to chew the photographer’s face off. That’s the fun part.
She and her husband Paul run a company in Joburg called Tac Shac. I don’t know what it means.
They sell teddy bears and semi-automatic pistols, shotguns and rifles that are the civilian versions of military weapons systems. Okay, I lie. They don’t sell teddy bears.
Lynette contributes to a blog called gunservant.com. The blog’s logo is: “The Truth is our Weapon.” When “truth” and “weapon” get together in the same sentence, it usually ends badly.
Someone called Corinthian, or maybe he lived in Corinthia, once wrote: “In truthful speech and in the power of God, with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left.”
I close my eyes and see Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Which, I suppose, pretty much sums up the Bible. And America.
Anyway. That’s enough religion for now. In the piece I read, Lynette points out that the media tells us “we are under constant and violent attack by criminals”.
If the only reason you think you live in a violent society is because the media tells you so, then you’re not getting attacked enough.
At least 20 people are shot and killed every day in South Africa. More guns is clearly the answer.
She says the only way to level the playing field “with a man twice our size” is by using a gun. The average woman is five-foot-six. This blood-crazed mythical man would, then, be 11 feet tall.
Truth? I don’t think so. Okay, fine. Hyperbole is second nature to gun groupies, so I’ll let it slide.
Her proselytising is clearly aimed at women. Perhaps this was her contribution to Women’s Day. Let’s get started, girls. Anyone for tea and bullets... er, biscuits?
In an attack, the Bad Guys, as she calls them, will go for the men first.
“This will give you, as an armed woman, an advantage.”
This is just one of the reasons it’s not a bad idea to have a man around the place. Actually, it might be the only reason.
“If you decide to purchase a firearm, you need to change the way you think.”
I imagine you would. For a start, you’d need to stop seeing people as living, breathing human beings and start seeing them as moving targets.
Lynette has been “carrying” since 2003. If a pregnant woman says this to you, don’t assume she’s talking about the contents of her womb. Just run.
She says there’s no point having your gun locked up in a safe – it needs to be with you 24/7. One of the conditions of getting a gun licence is that you have a safe. I don’t know how Lynette gets around this. Maybe she straps the safe to her back.
Oh, right. The law simply says you must have a safe. It doesn’t say you have to keep your gun there.
Lynette says carrying your gun 24/7 means you have to make certain arrangements. I expect she’s talking about your VGO – your visible gun outline.
In the old days, women needed to worry only about their visible panty line. I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve seen videos of women shoplifters stuffing frozen chickens up their skirts, so I imagine secreting a gun wouldn’t be much of a problem. She does say that a concealed carry would involve having to change your lifestyle and your wardrobe.
I’m surprised a fashion designer hasn’t come up with a range of cocktail frocks with discreet built-in holsters for that sexy little 9mm in your life.
As for lifestyle, well, I imagine you’d want to avoid those wild house parties where the men get drunk and throw the women into the pool. On the other hand, you do have a gun.
“Please don’t throw me in the pool.” “Arrr c’mon babe. Why?” “Because I’ll shoot you in the face if you do.”
Sensibly, she advises women against keeping their guns in their bags. Studies have shown that it takes the average woman between four minutes and two days to find any given item in her handbag.
Lynette says she carries her gun in an inside waistband holster, so if she suddenly shoves her hand down her broeks, you need to know this is not a come-on gesture. This is a go ahead, make my day gesture.
She also has an outside waistband holster for sport shooting, which presumably is when the mugger starts running. Firing at a moving target is always great sport.
She prefers the outside holster because she has “built significant muscle memory for this position... the gun is where my body is used to it being”.
My body is used to being in the slouched-over-the-bar position and only two muscles have any memory worth mentioning.
Lynette says most of her friends “appendix carry” or carry “small of back”. I always thought the small of a woman’s back was one of their more easily locatable erogenous zones.
Turns out it’s nothing more than a convenient indentation in which a pearlhandled pistol may nestle. I always wondered about that post-coital metallic taste in my mouth.
Lynette moves on to what she describes as the most controversial issue. I thought it might be, when is it okay to kill someone?
Apparently not. The most controversial issue is which firearm to buy. I expect she means controversial in the sense that debate on this topic frequently becomes so heated that people get shot.
She says the size and weight of the gun should “fit in with your particular lifestyle and circumstances”. If, for example, you’re a kindergarten teacher, you might want to look at something smaller than the 1.2m Pfeifer Zeliska revolver.
I suppose it all depends on how rowdy your class is.
“One of my biggest irritations is what a lot of men (I am not saying all men) think women should carry.”
Typical bloody men. If they’re not trying to murder you, they’re trying to tell you what gun to carry.
Men (not all men) seem to think their women should carry .38 special revolvers. I’d be happy if women just carried their own shopping bags.
Lynette says they’re talking rubbish. Revolvers are bulky, have bad triggers and are hard to shoot. Also, they have a lot of stoppages.
They’re like the Mineworkers’ Union of handguns. She suggests ladies – as she calls them – should rather go for pistols.
By now, all the girls reading this will be jumping up and down, screaming, “Okay fine, but what calibre? Tell us the calibre.” Relax, ladies. Help is on its way.
Lynette’s all-time fave is a 9mm Parabellum round rather than, say, a .380 auto/9mm short, whatever that is. My knowledge of bullets starts and ends with Black Talon and, for that, I have Oscar Pistorius to thank.
She recommends hollowpoint ammunition. They are designed to expand on impact, maximising tissue damage, blood loss and shock. Yeah! Now you’re talking my language. The expanding bullet decreases penetration, which is a good thing because over-penetration could cause collateral damage. Tell me about it. I’ve lost a number of bedside lamps through that kind of thing.
Lynette reminds us that firearming needs constant practice. She says handgun skills are perishable and can go off if not used. Like bananas.
She suggests joining a sporting organisation such as the SA Defensive Pistol Association, or the police. Kidding. The police aren’t remotely sporting. They’re quite defensive, though.
“Shoot your gun at least once a month,” she says. If you’re not a joiner, you’re going to have to shoot someone who is committing a crime. Or looks like he’s thinking of committing a crime. Or might have committed a crime at some point in his life. Do it at the end of the month when he’s more likely to have money in his pocket.
Lynette wraps up Guns for Girls 101. “I would like to urge South African ladies to stand up for themselves and take responsibility for their own safety. Don’t moan about crime – do something constructive and get yourself a firearm. Have a safe and awesome day.”
That’s right, ladies. Do your bit. Help end crime by shooting people.
Beneath Lynette’s phone number and e-mail address is the line: “Paint it Black!” What? I just... I can’t... What?