Most important ingredient in a healthy relationship

WHEN I’m asked what the most important ingredient in a relationship is, I don’t have to think twice before answering.

My answer is trust. Yes, it’s even more important than love. You can trust someone you don’t love, but can you love someone you don’t trust?

Trust issues feature highest on the list of reasons therapy is needed by couples. Once broken, it is extremely difficult to repair – difficult, but possible.

Trust is not just broken through infidelity – many other forms of behaviour destroy trust. One of the primary relationship-destroyers is lies. If there is evidence of dishonesty, the other partner will begin to doubt even more.

Another is not being open or transparent. Secrecy about your phone, friends and whereabouts slowly erodes trust over time. So how do you build trust in a relationship?

1 Transparency

Being transparent in a relationship means being open and hiding nothing from your partner. Secrecy with a phone erodes trust as your partner will begin to wonder whether you have something to hide.

So even if you have a password, do not deny your partner access to your phone if it means reaffirming trust.

Your partner should know who your friends are. If you feel a need to be secretive about certain friends, question why. Couples should know one another’s whereabouts, especially if something is out of the normal routine.

Another issue that arises in therapy is when one partner is secretive about finances. While it is not necessary to share bank statements with your partner, married couples feel closer when they have a good idea of their partner’s financial situation and feel expenses are divided fairly.

2 Keeping your word

If you say that you will be home at 10pm, then be home at 10pm.

And if something changes, let your partner know at a reasonable time. By consistently keeping your word, your partner trusts what you say because your words and actions are congruent.

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If you often say you’ll call at a certain time and don’t or promise to do something around the house but don’t end up doing it, it can lead to resentment. This may not seem like a big deal, but when it happens often enough, your partner will doubt your words. So ensure that your actions match your words.

3 Being there for your partner

This goes without saying. One should never have to be asked to be there – in good times and in bad. Happy couples are the first to celebrate each other’s successes and to console each other during life’s disappointments.

Sometimes, people are busy and there is a lot to accomplish, but you have to be attuned enough to your partner to know when they need your support. Sometimes you don’t have to do anything, but just be present, listen and reassure them of your unconditional support.

4 Putting your partner first

Many don’t realise the damage caused by not prioritising one’s partner. At times, this may just be a perception, but such perceptions cause damage nonetheless.

When a couple gets married, for example, they have chosen a life partner who should come first, above others. Important information should be discussed with the partner first, before friends and family. For example, it’s embarrassing for a spouse to learn from a neighbour or friend what car his/her partner plans to buy.

Show your partner you value his/her opinion by asking for their point of view.

Before making or confirming plans with others, check with your partner (especially if this imposes on your time together). Putting your partner first also means that others can see, through your actions, that your marriage is a priority.

5 Respecting your partner

Mutual respect is crucial in a healthy relationship and one of the factors that improves trust. Be mindful of the way in which you speak to your partner, both in your choice of words and tone of voice. Don’t judge one another’s actions and opinions; rather try to understand them. Calling your partner unsavoury names is unacceptable.

Listening to your partner is an important way of showing respect.

Listen and try to understand things from their point of view – even if you don’t agree, Your opinions may differ, but that should not mean losing respect.

Do not speak about your partner disrespectfully to others. Rather say nice things about them behind their backs – show gratitude and appreciation for what they do for you. Respect your partner even in their absence.

These are the keys to building trust; and even if trust is broken somehow, by paying attention to these factors you can start to rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Beekrum is a Durban North psychologist.