Dating at a distance ‘feels a little Victorian’
CAN YOU fall in love two metres apart? What if you can’t touch, let alone kiss? And can you really agree to be exclusive if you’ve only met on a video call?
As the Covid-19 lockdown loosens, singletons are coming to terms with a whole new world of socially distanced dating, and discovering that very different rules apply.
These days, the first date no longer takes place over a nervous drink in a bar, but instead on a blurry screen via Zoom.
Going for a walk is the new dinner date and, venturing into a date’s garden may well become the equivalent of “coming in for coffee”. But it’s not just about finding new places to meet when restaurants and bars are closed. In this new world, where strangers pose a health risk and the act of socialising carries an element of danger, dating singletons are forced to assess a potential match on new terms – it’s not just do I fancy him, but do I fancy him enough to gamble that he’s corona-free?
“Dating feels different,” admits Jemma Forte, a 46-year-old author and broadcaster who is a divorced, single mom living in London.
In her novel,
she explores the dating apps she’s been using.
Her most recent relationship ended last year and she was seeing someone casually at the start of the year but the lockdown “put an end to that”. “It’s turned into a personal risk assessment,” she says. “The majority have been careful and have played by the rules. I have very much vetted whom I meet, with video calls beforehand, because I can’t afford to get ill.”
Since the easing of lockdown, she’s had a one-off socially distanced gin and tonic with a divorced father she met on a dating site.
While the lockdown heightened the sense of needing company, she says, its easing has forced singles to confront a “moral conundrum”.
“What if you meet someone you’re really attracted to? Can you touch them without feeling like you’re putting yourself at risk?”
This caution is perhaps also changing the kind of partners people click on and the very nature of the popularity contest that is online dating. A man who loves fast cars, exotic travel and sky diving might not be as attractive, as a good home cook who enjoys long walks and can help with maths homework.
Dating standards are also liable to change. Any swift move from first date to intimacy is off the table.
Charly Lester, dating expert for
The Inner Circle, a dating app for professionals, says there is always a spike in online dating in uncertain times, when people look for certainty elsewhere. “Nothing stops people dating, but how we date has had to become more old-fashioned.”
For 57-year-old estate agent Zoe Pearce, dating at a time of Covid19 “with its park, promenades and no-holding-hands protocol” has the potential to feel positively Victorian. “The mortality rate increases from your 50s onwards, so we have to balance the fun and flirtation of dating with the very real risk,’ she says.
Before lockdown she had a dinner date. “We stayed in touch, but we downplayed any romantic element. We were just trying to stay alive. We didn’t see each other for a month, but then arranged to go for a socialdistance date.”
It was then that Zoe realised just how much more complicated dating had become. “The first thing Simon said was: ‘Don’t touch me!’ We were a bit hysterical with nerves. It is hard to keep two metres away while trying to pay attention to what the other person is saying.
Without the connection of touch, romantic signals are harder to read, she says. But in a way, taking things slowly feels rather nice.
The big question, Zoe says, is how new romantic relationships can become physical.
“It really is a whole new era for dating etiquette.”
Will we, in glorious teenage fashion, diarise the date of our first kiss with a new partner and self-isolate for two weeks beforehand to make sure we’re virus-free? That would take the spontaneity out of it, but it would certainly build excitement.
Katrina Kutchinsky, 38, who runs a PR agency in London, confesses she’s enjoying this less pressured new world.
Single for 18 months, she’s been on three socially distanced dates. “On my last date, I took the guy on a walk I’ve been doing solo during lockdown, but the chemistry wasn’t there.
Some of the men she has met online have different ideas, however. “One guy invited me for a staycation at his amazing house, with a cinema room, in an upmarket part of London,” she says. Such a date would also have been breaking the rules.
“Instead, I suggested a two-metre picnic in a park and ordered us a Peruvian takeaway from a local restaurant. I wasn’t tempted by the idea of physical intimacy,” she said.
Unfortunately, video dates can’t give you a nuanced picture of someone’s personality and how they relate to other people.