Party guide to good career choice
Durban POISON
THE EFF led a motion in Parliament this week on the nationalisation of banks. The party of fighters, drinkers and lovers – they’re almost Irish in their tendencies – believes all banks should be in the hands of the state.
What a good idea. The government can then give stateowned enterprises a break to recover while the banks are pillaged. A bit like what crop farmers do with their fields when they’re not being murdered.
It’s a rotational thing. Which is different to what former energy minister Tina whatshername did when she sold our oil reserves and then claimed she was simply rotating stocks. Thankfully, this appalling woman has since been rotated out of the cabinet.
Anyway, I don’t want to talk about politics this week. After reading Jacques Pauw’s book The President’s Keepers, I want to find a dark corner and curl up like a pangolin until the government is free from the clutches of these filthy deplorables.
On a more cheerful note, for thousands of kids 12 tortuous years of school are coming to an end. Soon they will finish writing their matric exams and slouch in doorways across the country all slack-jawed and glassy eyed, saying: “Now what?”
Here’s now what. I’m turning your bedroom into a microbrewery, you nasty little pustule. Go ask the gummint for a job. If it weren’t for them, you could have spent the last 10 years working.
You would have had a skill by now, even if it involved nothing more complicated than making shoelaces. Instead, all you have is a head full of useless facts and figures and the faint stirrings of a lifelong drinking problem.
In just a few weeks, more than half-a-million shiftless teenagers smelling of stale sweat and funky hormones will be clogging up the malls and beaches, waiting for some kind of divine sign to show them the way forward. Listen up, kids. There will be no sign. There is no way forward. There are no jobs. You might think that’s good news, but it’s not. That’s bad news. The good news is… actually, there is none. Sorry about that.
A career supplement fell from my newspaper the other day. Five bubbly, bright-eyed youngsters were on the cover. Four of them were white. The fifth was Indian. This suggests that, thanks to affirmative action, darkies have their future cut out for them.
Either that or their situation is so dire that, when it comes to making life choices, they would be better off reading the entrails of a chicken than a newspaper supplement.
Anyway, here are some career tips for the incurable optimists out there. Don’t say I never try to help.
Law. This is a career choice and not, as many seem to think after observing our politicians, something to be violated with impunity. Judges and magistrates prefer it if you obtain a degree before representing clients.
However, this is an oldfashioned concept and nowadays it is quite acceptable for you to appear on behalf of family members in cases ranging from trespassing to murder.
As far as accessories go, all you will need is a leather briefcase and a black dressing gown (R69.99 from Mr Price).
You have the choice of becoming an attorney or an advocate. Attorneys have more fun, but advocates have more money.
I am an advocate because I have been admitted to the bar many times over. All you need to practise law is the capacity to hold your drink while lying through your teeth. And some judges will be impressed if you have a working knowledge of pig Latin.
Medicine. Another career in which formal qualifications are heavily overrated. Self-medication has grown tremendously in popularity and almost any modern ailment can be cured with six pills and a half-jack of whisky three times a day in place of meals.
With more and more people shunning expensive surgery by allowing their friends to operate on them at home on the kitchen table, you will never be short of work. The Hippocratic Oath also allows you to have sex with emotionally vulnerable patients.
Safety and security. Next to fraud and corruption, this is the fastest-growing sector in the economy. In the old days, security meant little more than standing guard. But thanks to an explosion of crime, you now stand a good chance of being able to shoot and kill someone before your shift ends.
This goes a long way towards livening up those long evenings of watching over someone else’s stuff. All you need is a driver’s licence and an ability to grasp the mechanics of handcuffs. The ability to grasp a rubber baton is also helpful.
It may prove difficult to enter the field if you have been convicted of crimes against humanity. However, some companies will consider this a bonus.
If you suffered a blow to the head as a child, you may wish to become a bouncer. Here, the ability to speak a recognised language is not a prerequisite.
Marketing. The unspeakable attempting to fool the unsuspecting into thinking they need the unnecessary. You will get to hang out in cocktail bars and attract pretty girls by using words like “consumer expectations” and “brand awareness”.
Later you will realise that the girls were more interested in your cocaine-encrusted nostrils than your words. No matter.
The world of selling is an exciting and potentially lucrative one, especially if you don’t get caught. You may wish to branch out into public relations, which involves telling lies and sleeping with journalists.
Hospitality. In South Africa this is known as the hostility industry. Whether you wish to be a hotel manager, a chef, a waiter or a receptionist, it is essential that you possess a deep-seated hatred for people irrespective of their race or gender.
You will also need to bear in mind that the customer is always wrong and should be thoroughly ignored at all times. Advancement in the hostility industry is only possible through gross incompetence and consistent misanthropy.
Shipping. The only thing more rewarding than working on a ship is being on a ship and doing no work whatsoever. This can best be accomplished by becoming a stowaway. It takes no training at all, although the ability to hide and scavenge is useful.
Once you reach your destination – hopefully Perth or Dover and not Walvis Bay or Lagos – you will find that your brief career in shipping has been a huge help in finding you a job that pays real money.
Auditing. A desk job that involves inspecting a company’s financial records and then allowing the highest bidder to dictate the contents of your final report. If you suffer from ethics, this job is probably not for you.
Hairdressing. A popular fall-back for those unable to make it into the astrophysics class. Requirements include the ability to talk absolute rubbish for up to three hours at a time without accidentally severing the customer’s jugular.