MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN AT CHAMPS TOUR
IT’S the season to be merry – or to go barking mad – and the organisers of the Champions Tour in London are trying hard to squeeze some new acts, other than the antics of past champions, into the Royal Albert Hall.
In addition to ex-iranian tennis player, Mansour Bahrami, who most South Africans will not have heard of and who definitely doesn’t qualify as a Major champion by any stretch of the imagination, but whose trick shots – honed through hitting tennis balls with a stick, off the side of an empty Olympic swimming pool in tennis unfriendly Teheran – are legendary, they are introducing dogs.
Not your typical British Bulldog, posing as mascots, but ‘balldogs’ - to work in tandem with traditional ballgirls and boys, in the hope of replacing the latter altogether.
This idea has materialised not from IMG’S Charlie Graves, watching too many “Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them” movie premiers, but from the Champion Tour’s latest sponsor, Skinners Dog Food – I kid you not.
To quote ex-british No.1 and current competitor, Tim Henman, who has assumed the unenviable task of training said dog in “fetching, catching and staying” in time for December 6 lift off:
“They share many of the same traits expected from ballgirls and ball boys”.
Yes, apparently these particular breeds are already capable of loading and unloading washing machines, and judging by the number of towels dispensed courtside by top players, wiping their dripping faces in between points, could be extremely useful in the locker rooms.
However, I remain sceptical as to a canine’s discerning ability on court: Eg How in Doggy La La Land does Yorkshire Terrier rival Homo sapien in instinctively knowing which ball to deliver to which player?
How do you distinguish between who is serving and who is receiving, when you have never played this dumb game before?
Unless, of course, the “Bad Boys”, like John Mcenroe, arrive with a pocket full of biltong and start really setting the cat among the pigeons – or no, sorry – the dog among the court jesters.
It’s all very confusing to say the least.
Henman has limited time in which to prove that dogs eating Skinners are much cleverer than ballboys eating cucumber sandwiches and that this whole experiment is not going to be classified as another terrorist attack, when they are unleashed on unsuspecting spectators and ageing players next weekend and mow everyone over in their eagerness to retrieve a whole stash of balls, never mind one.
Of course, the one person, who is at no risk whatsoever and who can handle dogs of any description, having stalked the streets of Paris as a starving fugitive immigrant, avoiding French police, in his pre-professional days, is none other than Mansour Bahrami.
You see, Bahrami serves with six balls in hand – first and second serve – so no ‘balldog’ or boy, is going to have to grab or retrieve his balls.
Moreover his number one trick, short of producing any Major silverware, is to open his pocket mid play and to engineer the ball being rallied, to land deep inside the lining, rather than landing on the line so to speak.
So again he simply removes the moving target from the fray, instead of becoming an accidental target himself.
Oh so clever! No wonder he could have represented Iran in backgammon, as well as the Davis Cup.
All in all, this promises to be a dog eats dog event and for once Mcenroe, Goran Ivanisevic, Mark Philippoussis and Co are going to be reduced to a sideshow.
I would advise referee, Alan Mills, to give Paul O’grady a front row seat.
Angling
Conditions: Low clouds, some sun.
Rock and Surf: The north has seen some fantastic fishing over the past few weeks. The summer gamefish have arrived and are keeping most of the guys busy. Areas like Vidal are fishing well, but they are large areas and the best way to get a bite is to cover a lot of water trolling a quality lipped lure, until you find the fish. The harbour has been the sanctuary everyone has been running to when the sea is not playing fair. The fishing has not been letting the guys down in the harbour, with many good catches being reported. The kob are feeding very well and the bait and lure guys are catching quite a few. For more info, visit kingfisher.co.za.
Weekly tip: The carp fishing side of things has been wild. The dams have seen an influx of anglers.
TIDES, WINDS, ETC.: Sunrise: 4.48am; Sunset: 6.43pm; Temp: 20/26°C; Sea: 22.1°C; UV Risk: 8 (Very High); Thunderstorms: 24%; Wind: 11km (S); Full Moon: December 22; Tides: Neap Tides (High); Low: 5.50am, 6.45pm (0.6pm); High: 12.26am (1.6). Sea: 2.1m swell. with SHEETAL CROSS
Athletics
KZN Masters Athletics invite all athletes from the age 30+ to join them at their monthly mini meets, which take place each month on Saturday mornings. Enquiries: Caryn Loudon on Carynl@iafrica.com
Bowls
December 7: Hillary Bowling Club. Gee Jays Show, Cost: R100pp. Barnyard Style, bring your own food. Bookings: Sharon Mclaughlin on 082 535 3663.
Hiking
Today: Join the Amblers Hiking Club to hike at 2pm hike Mpiti Falls from Kloof picnic site, Krantzview Nature Reserve, Kloof Falls Road, Kloof. Cost: R30 entry fee. Enquiries: David at 072 615 0559.
December 9: Join the Amblers Hiking Club at 2pm, to hike Upper Macintosh and Rock shelter. Take exit 27 off M13 to Shongweni Road and Waterberry close. Turn left at the top of the off ramp and wait. Enquiries: David on 072 615 0559.
December 16: Join the Amblers Hiking Club at 2pm to hike the magic of Giba Gorge Mountain Bike Park. Before Marianhill Toll Plaza, take the exit to Stockville Road, turn first right into Industrial area and right under the N3. Turn right to Giba Gorge cycle track. An interesting walk around the waterfalls in this restored valley. Beer, wine and pizza afterwards. Cost R10pp. Enquiries: David on 072 615 0559.
Karate
November 29 – December 2: Karate South Africa will be hosting the 9th Commonwealth Karate Championship, Durban. Enquiries: secretariat@ karate-sa.org or karate-sa.org
Running
December 9: Illovo Sugar, 15km Christmas Challenge. Westville Athletic Club. Enquiries: Alen on 083 440 31 35 or Sharon Schubach (Race Organiser) on 082 414 1783.
December 16: The Big Hill Run, Sugar Rush Park, Ballito. Type: 21km run, 10km run, Dolphin Coast Striders. Enquiries: Zeldi Mann on 071 422 0953 or zeldimann@hotmail.com
December 28: Bongumusa Mthembu Training Marathon, Impendle Police Station. Type: 60km run. Nxamalala AC. Enquiries: Rethabile Molefe on 079 569 2798, 033 345 1188 or nxamalala.striders@gmail.com
January 13: Ronnie Davel Memorial, Laddsworth Primary School, Hilton. Type: 16km run/walk. Hilton Harriers. Enquiries: Paul Laing or John Holliday on 082 491 3194, 082 806 6749 or gm@redlandshotel.co.za.
Trail Running December 8: Wessa Christmas evening run. Time: 5.45am. Type: 5km, 12km. From Durban (± 1hr 15min) and Pietermaritzburg (± 29min) take the N3 northbound and take Exit 99. At the stop street, turn right into Boston RD/R617 and continue straight for 1.6km. At the robots (There will be a Shell garage on the left-hand side), continue straight onto Main Rd and continue for 3.9km. Enquiries: kzntrailrunning.co.za