Shame, but...

Shedding tears doesn’t release toxins, but may make you feel better… if that’s what you believe, writes

CRYING is a big part of being a kid. As you grow older, you may find you’re crying less than during childhood and adolescence.

Studies show, on average, adult women tend to cry two to three times in a given month, and men only once. Research is limited, but it suggests crying frequency is highly influenced by social and cultural factors, and our beliefs about the value of crying.

In many Western countries, women report crying more often than those from non-western countries. And in non-western countries the difference in crying frequency between men and women is smaller. In some instances, it’s non-existent.

Scientists have long speculated why we cry and what happens in our bodies when we’re shedding tears. Some have suggested crying may be expelling chemicals built up during feelings of distress, or that crying causes a chemical change in the body that reduces stress or increases positive feelings. But we don’t actually know that much about crying and most of the studies are based on self-reporting.

Here’s what we do know.

Whether crying is good for you is subjective.

The most pervasive idea about crying is that we do it because it’s helpful in some way; perhaps it provides relief or catharsis. But the research on this is mixed, with crying sometimes showing an improvement in mood and sometimes a worsening.

People appear to cry to make themselves feel better. Some have suggested crying is a self-soothing behaviour. These authors also suggest crying could be like an alarm that lets us know something is wrong, forcing us to engage in other behaviours that help reduce feelings of distress, perhaps through distraction or meditation. We might otherwise seek out others to help us feel better.

Despite the overwhelming perception that crying is useful at a personal level, most research suggests crying is more of a social phenomenon – an extremely effective signal to others that something is wrong and that you may be in need of help and comfort. Experiments and surveys show that viewing images of crying faces compared with faces without tears not only make the face appear sadder, but also elicit greater sadness in the observer, more emotional support, less avoidance, and more helping behaviours. But before you go crying in front of others for support, other studies show it may lead to feelings of shame and embarrassment.

What happens in our body when we cry? Crying seems, at best, to do not much at all. In our laboratory research we found crying had no effect on stress levels and people weren’t able to withstand pain more readily than those who did not cry. But those who cried were more in control of their breathing rate, perhaps using the crying behaviour to initiate the calming strategy.

Women do cry more often than men.

There are exceptions, but generally women cry more than men. This difference emerges around the age of 11. The differences are likely driven by decreased crying in boys during adolescence, rather than an increase among girls.

Perhaps the reason men cry less as they reach adolescence is because of the cultural expectations of masculinity. Men are “tough” and considered as having emotional reserve, while being emotionally expressive is considered feminine. This may be why ratings of shame in crying are much higher among men compared with women. Women across cultures report crying more frequently and often say they feel better after crying compared with men.

There is no right amount of crying. Whether you cry, and how often, may be related to your culture, gender, and emotional expressiveness. There is no such thing in the literature as crying either too much or not enough.

Whether crying actually helps is also part of our personal judgement. Some say crying makes them feel worse than if they didn’t cry. Others may cry because they believe it is helpful and cathartic.

Leah Sharman is a PHD candidate at the School of Psychology, The University of Queensland, Australia.