TIPS FOR NXAMALALA

As former president Jacob Zuma started his jail term on Thursday, we decided to prepare a survival guide for him because it has been a while since he has seen the inside of a prison cell.

• First, Shwa begs you not to draw any attention to yourself by robust singing because it’s not a rally but a correctional service facility.

• Ensure you have loads of cash, so you can possibly get a single cell. Prisons are over-crowded.

• No counting in jail. It is not a comedy show. Numbers need to balance every day and therefore, there are people who are responsible for and more qualified to do that.

• The orange uniform might be cheaper than your expensive suits, but please remember – it’s still branded, so you will still stand out.

• No dancing and unnecessary movements in prison, as the gang members are likely to shank you.

• Do keep to yourself. Remember you are not a celebrity and there is Covid-19.

• Remember you are not at a rally, so no standing up and giving speeches. You are also not there for any activations but for rehabilitation.

• Don’t laugh too robustly as nothing will be funny in jail. So laugh quietly and try to remain dignified.

• Don’t let anyone get ink on your body as you will regret it. Don’t get a tear-drop tattoo because it looks nuts if you are over 30.

• Don’t learn anything from other prisoners and return a career criminal as you are too old for that and no one has the time.

• Improve your education while you are in jail as they offer courses, and don’t teach them all the languages you speak. Remember, you are there for rehabilitation and not to teach Russian.

• Don’t accept gifts as you don’t want to owe any prisoners, rather give them gifts from your visitors.

• We are aware this is not your first time in jail, but things have changed – gangs are not branches of the ANC.

• Grow a beard to seem scary and intimidating.

• Good luck and don’t forget to physical distance.