Sunday World


As former president Jacob Zuma started his jail term on Thursday, we decided to prepare a survival guide for him because it has been a while since he has seen the inside of a prison cell.


• First, Shwa begs you not to draw any attention to yourself by robust singing because it’s not a rally but a correction­al service facility.

• Ensure you have loads of cash, so you can possibly get a single cell. Prisons are over-crowded.

• No counting in jail. It is not a comedy show. Numbers need to balance every day and therefore, there are people who are responsibl­e for and more qualified to do that.

• The orange uniform might be cheaper than your expensive suits, but please remember – it’s still branded, so you will still stand out.

• No dancing and unnecessar­y movements in prison, as the gang members are likely to shank you.

• Do keep to yourself. Remember you are not a celebrity and there is Covid-19.

• Remember you are not at a rally, so no standing up and giving speeches. You are also not there for any activation­s but for rehabilita­tion.

• Don’t laugh too robustly as nothing will be funny in jail. So laugh quietly and try to remain dignified.

• Don’t let anyone get ink on your body as you will regret it. Don’t get a tear-drop tattoo because it looks nuts if you are over 30.

• Don’t learn anything from other prisoners and return a career criminal as you are too old for that and no one has the time.

• Improve your education while you are in jail as they offer courses, and don’t teach them all the languages you speak. Remember, you are there for rehabilita­tion and not to teach Russian.

• Don’t accept gifts as you don’t want to owe any prisoners, rather give them gifts from your visitors.

• We are aware this is not your first time in jail, but things have changed – gangs are not branches of the ANC.

• Grow a beard to seem scary and intimidati­ng.

• Good luck and don’t forget to physical distance.

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