WELCOME to the Orlando Pirates boot camp what used to be known as a soccer club.
Here you will leave your opinions at the door, with any remnants of fun, pleasure and excitement you derived from your job.
You ll answer to general Vladimir Vermezovic, who is the only one whose opinion matters.
There is no such thing as a club captain and all players shall take instructions from one man.
One among you will be nominated to iron the general s pre-match jock straps. This is the closest you will get to being a captain.
You will make sure the jock straps are bleached and remain pearly white in time for each match.
Dissent is equal to treason, which shall be met with corporal punishment or termination of contract.
Loyalty will be rewarded with more loyalty, but let it not be mistaken for kindness or gratitude.
Retirement letters are being typed for players over the age of 30.
The general is not your friend, buddy or pal.
You shall not tweet him, send him WhatsApp messages or text him.
Do not come to him with your celebrity relationship problems or ask for a raise when you ve fallen behind on your papgeld payments.
Your job is to obey him and follow
If you miss a penalty during a game, you will be beaten.
If we lose to Kaizer Chiefs, you will be starved, then beaten.
If you are caught with a T-shirt bearing the words I do have Balz or anything to that effect, you will be beaten and sent home.
That s the impression Vlad V who was introduced as the new Pirates coach last week gave during his incarnation at Chiefs.
Maybe the beating part is an exaggeration, but there was hardly a player VV didn t criticise in public.
No one was safe when his lashing tongue was let loose.
His core of senior players were reduced to wimps when he berated them for letting George Lebese, then 22, take a penalty against Lamontville Golden Arrows, which he missed in a 2-1 defeat in 2011.
But Lehlohonolo Majoro had the worst of it.
The striker was always one microphone away from being told how he had a soft underbelly.
The Serb won two Telkom Knockout trophies during his time at Naturena.
He has been brought in to toughen up the Sea Robbers, whose floundering displays and off-field debauchery have led to a lengthening trophy drought.
Hold on to your hats, folks.