Leave smi­ley alone, Mashaba, and visit my cock­roach dairy

Sunday World - - Viewpoint - Vusi Nza­pheza

Eureka! Af­ter a daunt­ing two years of re­search, I have fi­nally man­aged to milk a cock­roach. It may sound dis­gust­ing but I’ve been in­trigued since 2016 when sci­en­tists dis­cov­ered that cock­roach milk is one of the most nu­tri­tious sub­stances on the planet.

The study found that cock­roach milk con­tains three times more calo­ries than buf­falo milk, which cur­rently holds the prize for the most calo­rie-rich milk. Cock­roach milk also con­tains pro­tein and amino acids.

The milk of the cock­roach has joined the list of nu­tri­en­trich su­per­foods such as turnip greens, berries, avo­cado, green tea, eggs, legumes, gar­lic, gin­ger, olive oil, turmeric, salmon, sea­weed and mush­rooms.

As you can imag­ine, catch­ing and milk­ing a cock­roach was not a walk in the park. How­ever, I had an ace up my sleeve as I be­came only the sec­ond hu­man be­ing in the world to drink cock­roach milk.

I am blessed with what is called hy­per­opia (far sight­ed­ness).

Whereas most peo­ple wear spec­ta­cles to en­hance their vi­sion, I am the to­tal op­po­site of my­opia. I have been wear­ing specs for decades to re­duce my sharp eye­sight. From a young age, I could see an ant crawl­ing un­der­neath the ground.

Trou­ble started when I was able to see peo­ple without clothes. It made my school­ing hell since my eyes wan­dered away from the chalk­board to what lurked un­der the dun­ga­ree dresses. The teach­ers could not ex­plain my dreamy ex­pres­sion.

Fol­low­ing my di­ag­no­sis, I wear specs around the clock and even wear them to bed to pre­vent see­ing dreams I am yet to dream.

Any­way, I have in­vented minute pin­cers to hold the nip­ples of a cock­roach and ex­tract a droplet of milk.

The taste of cock­roach milk made a change from my usual tip­ple. Oh yes, in­sects have be­come the new cui­sine.

There’s even a lo­cal com­pany that in­tro­duced ice-cream pro­duced from “en­tomilk”, a milk al­ter­na­tive made from in­sects. You ought to try it some­time.

So, imag­ine my shock and hor­ror when I read that Joburg mayor Her­man Mashaba ar­rested a man for sell­ing skopo last week. Mashaba made a cit­i­zen’s ar­rest when he saw a trader push­ing a trol­ley filled with cow heads.

He ex­pressed health con­cerns with the han­dling of the meat although that’s how smi­ley and trot­ters have al­ways been han­dled ekasi.

The mayor clearly has never at­tended a fu­neral in Lim­popo and seen how food is spilled on an iron sheet for men to tuck in with their hands.

Mashaba was re­minded that the re­cent lis­te­ria out­break emerged from a cor­po­rate fac­tory while open-air town­ship “restau­rants” have never caused mild di­ar­rhoea.

He duly apol­o­gised to the smil­ing head of a cow although a few peo­ple com­mended his ac­tions to en­force health by-laws.

Af­ter all, it’ll be his head on the block should there be an out­break in Jo­han­nes­burg.

I there­fore in­vite Mashaba to in­spect my cock­roach dairy. De­spite the cock­roach be­ing ma­ligned for liv­ing in dingy cor­ners, he’ll find the dairy cleaner than his hair fac­to­ries.

With his busi­ness acu­men, I might even com­mer­cialise the op­er­a­tion to feed the overVAT-ed masses of South Africa.

Open-air town­ship “restau­rants” have never caused mild di­ar­rhoea.

/ Twit­ter

Joburg mayor Her­man Mashaba felt the need to en­force the city’s health by-laws when he ar­rested a self-em­ployed man push­ing a trol­ley filled with skopo in the CBD.

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