Scrotus makes me gargle

Ithought I’d found it, the right nickname for the 45th president of the United States: the Orange Goblin. Comedian Stewart Lee wrote it and I read it and thought, aha, at last a name that’s a perfect fit.Orange: self-explanatory, undeniable, just insulting enough.

Goblin: a mischievous, ugly, dwarf-like creature.

But as we’ve learned, nothing sticks to Teflon Don for long.

The thing is, I need to call Cheddar-Boy something, yet he has become my Voldemort: I can’t say his actual name without immediately needing to gargle, and even when I message friends about his latest misadventure, I use the fart emoji.

Disrespectful? Yes, but respect is earned, and I cannot bring myself to respect such a man; a man who only last week denied an actual, verifiable human tragedy, saying the deaths were fabricated.

The incident in question occurred in Puerto Rico – a US offshore territory – during last year’s Hurricane Maria, when 2 975 people died.

“When I left the Island, AFTER the storm had hit, they had anywhere from 6 to 18 deaths …” Cheeto Jesus tweeted on Thursday.

However, during the clear-up the body count rose significantly but, according to Prima Donald’s outburst, “…this was done by the Democrats in order to make me look as bad as possible”.

It’s but one tweet in his endless outflow and yet warning bells clanged, for denial of a body count is not without precedent. There are even nicknames that fit: Hair Führer, Adolf Twitler, the Fanta Fascist, Sh*tler …

And yet calling “fascist” too soon strips the expression of potency for when we really need it so I, and everyone who finds the power this showman wields terrifying, need alternatives.

To date, nothing has truly worked. There’s Man-Baby, which could be referring to any number of whining politicians, as could Clown Prince, Bratman, and the Great White Dope.

Jon Stewart tried Boiled Ham in a Wig, but it hardly rolls off the tongue.

Mrs Putin is funny, as are Vanilla Isis, White Khanye, Agent Orange, Orange Anus…

Enough, someone screams, for surely the office demands more dignity than this: Chump is the President of the US; he is Potus.

To which I can happily respond with my new nickname: Scrotus, the So-Called President of the United States.