Enough to drive dad to drink

While in Wales younger brat taught me to drive. No, not on the golf course – the last time I drove with a sixiron my lower back went into spasm for two weeks – but in his Merc.

What can he teach an old hand? And what’s more, one in possession of a local and international licence, further proving the capability of a fully fledged driver.

No sooner had I settled behind the wheel and before pressing the starter button, the brat rattled off three rules new to me.

“Remember, Dad, back wheels and tar.” What's that supposed to mean? I barked.

“When following the car in front, make sure you see the back wheels and tar on the road. You can’t ride bumper to bumper. Even in gridlock situations you have to keep your distance.” My head began to spin. In South Africa, that’s all you did, drive bumper-to-bumper without seeing back wheels and tar.

All you did see was the back windscreen and the driver showing you the finger.

“Second thing, Dad, stick to the speed limit. If the sign says 30 mph, do 30, not 32, otherwise a summons at your door three days later. Then, thirdly, old man, the highways have three lanes. Left lane for slower traffic. Right lane for putting foot. Now, take note, centre lane is a funny one.” At last, something to laugh about. Wrong.

Funny meant seriously unusual. “Centre lane is specifically for overtaking. You don’t stick to the centre, you look to the left and right to see when to overtake.”

I started perspiring. The words “back wheels and tar”, “speed limit” and “centre lane” ran round in my brain. I was tempted to hand the keys to the brat, but manly pride kept me seated.

“Oh, and another thing.” Oh no, no more. “When approaching a roundabout look to your right. You must yield to the right.” Easy one that, here we do the same. “But note something funny, Dad.” Damn, not another funny. “When the light is red, obviously you’d stop.” Obviously. “But watch for the amber.” Amber? After red? Normally you watch for amber after green.

“Not here. Amber after red means you put foot – you don’t have to wait for green.”

Can’t wait to apply these rules at home. Probably get locked up for drunken driving.