Watching paint dry is frankly much better

So another Super Bowl has come and gone and still I am none the wiser about this “sport” you guys call gridiron. I have a mate who never misses a Super Bowl. I argued that he didn’t have a life – after all, it is broadcast on TV when most normal people in South Africa are in dreamland – but he always said I didn’t know what I was missing.

My curiosity got the better of me this year and although I didn’t watch it live (because I DO have a life), I found a “highlights” package on one of the TV channels and decided to see for myself what all the fuss was about.

What a letdown! The highlights package lasted some 30 minutes, which in my opinion was about 29 minutes too long. Super Bowl LIII was as exciting as taking a nap.

For a start, why the hell don’t they use proper numbers? It was Super Bowl 53, dammit. Roman numerals went out with, well, the Romans and there is no place for them in today’s world.

Then, a gridiron match lasts an eternity, although there is very little action in that time. For the majority of a match, the players stand around discussing tactics with the coaches (why is there always @GuyHawthorne more than one?) or smacking one another on the backside. I suppose some people would define that as sport, but surely it should be reserved for the privacy of the bedroom.

The New England Patriots beat the Los Angeles Rams 13-3 in this year’s final, which was watched by around 70 000 spectators and, I’m led to believe, many, many millions around the world on TV. The abiding question is, why?

The players wear more padding than you find in your average lounge suite and even the skinny guys end up looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. They then also don motorbike helmets and spend an awful lot of time running into one another. And they get paid truckloads of money to do so.

I am told the cost of a 30 second commercial during the Super Bowl was $5.25 million, or about a squillion rand. If companies who spent that amount of money on a commercial during the match are hoping those who watch will buy their product, they need their heads examined. Why would you want to market your offering to a group of people who have nothing better to do than watch a group of grown men charging around like headless chickens?

I know you guys like to think Americans do things bigger and better. It might have been big in that it drew a massive worldwide TV audience, but in my mind it was certainly not “better”. I would choose lunch with the mother-inlaw ahead of having to watch an entire Super Bowl.

Sorry, guys, there’s just nothing “super” about it …