Can Santa give me patience?

IDear Santa, know we haven’t corresponded in several decades, but I think my behaviour this year justifies it. Don’t worry about Playstations or motorcycles or an understanding of Snapdragon’s thought patterns. It’s insensitive to ask for such elaborate gifts in these times. But if you can help me to deal with all the idiots around me, life will be much simpler.

I don’t want you to remove them – most of the people around me are idiots and it will be a lonely world without them. Just give me the grace and patience to cope with them.

Usually, I try to use common sense in my dealings with their idiocy. I mean, who can dispute facts?

Idiots, that’s who. I’ve found logic makes no dent in their ridiculous misconceptions because, well, they’re idiots.

Global warming? Food security? Overpopulation and corruption and the economy? Pfffttt… To idiots only life hacks and Black Friday matter. That and viral WhatsApps or “proof” of aliens which they have seen on the apparently educational History Channel.

The lovely Snapdragon regularly claims I am the king of the idiots, but don’t listen to that nonsense. She reads chick lit … enough said.

The truth is that I’m at my wits’ end. You’re my last hope. I live in the idiotsphere and I feel like one of the aliens.

Take the three-year-old Egg, for example. She asked me to write to you. When you visited her nursery school this week, she told you she wants a dolls’ stroller for Christmas. But after having her fragile little mind warped by a YouTube ad, she also wants a “unicorn pony with a light-up horn”.

Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. It’s one of Snapdragon’s favourite pastimes. As a matter of fact, when I courted her, she made it clear that she wants a Transporter-type Jason Statham clone. Now she wants me to be Michael Landon from Little House on the Prairie.

I don’t have to explain it to you. You’re a married man yourself, after all. (According to a picture I saw on the internet, Mrs Clause is quite the looker, but that’s another topic.)

Please, please, Santa. Patience with the idiots … I know it’s a lot to ask but that’s all I want for Chistmas this year.