Gifts for peo­ple in the news

The Citizen (KZN) - - Opinion - Martin Wil­liams DA city coun­cil­lor in Jo­han­nes­burg

It’s the sea­son for giv­ing.

Let’s be gen­er­ous with gifts to those who made head­lines this year.

Cyril Ramaphosa: He re­ceives an Ace Shock Pro­tec­tor to guard against un­pleas­ant sur­prises and party ri­vals. In­cludes a year’s sup­ply of stay-awake pills. By keep­ing his eyes open, the pres­i­dent will get to know what’s go­ing on in the coun­try, with fewer “Uh-oh!” mo­ments.

Ja­cob Zuma: His Zupta Mo­nop­oly game is over. Le­gal op­tions have run out. No more Tata ma chance. Go to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not fly to Cuba, or Dubai. Do not col­lect R200 mil­lion.

Ace Ma­gashule: Known as Mr Ten Per­cent be­cause of his al­leged dodgy deals when he was Free State pre­mier, Ma­gashule says Zuma must not take all the blame for the col­lapse of sta­te­owned en­ter­prises. Let’s ap­por­tion blame. Ma­gashule gets 10%, in­clud­ing jail time.

Bu­sisiwe Mkhwe­bane: The State Se­cu­rity Agency re­port­edly dic­tated the pub­lic pro­tec­tor’s or­der in­struct­ing par­lia­ment to amend the con­sti­tu­tion to change the man­date of the SA Re­serve Bank. This pup­pet on a string gets Mad Magazine’s Spy vs Spy bumper edi­tion.

Shamila Ba­tohi: The na­tional di­rec­tor of pub­lic prose­cu­tions gets three ex­tra re­turn tick­ets from Dubai, to bring back the Gupta brothers.

Ron­ald Lamola: The jus­tice min­is­ter gets a spine, to stop him re­leas­ing vi­o­lent crim­i­nals who burn po­lice vans.

Fik­ile Ma­balula: The fear­less trans­port min­is­ter wants South Africa to have a na­tional ship­ping car­rier. Con­sid­er­ing the sink­ing for­tunes of South African Air­ways, Eskom, SABC, the Pas­sen­ger Rail Agency of South Africa, etc, Fik­ile gets f...all. Un­less he wants a rub

ber ducky to play with in the bath. Can he run a bath?

Gwede “Tiger” Man­tashe: In Septem­ber, Un­cle Gweezy told in­vestors about newly dis­cov­ered Haze­nile, not re­al­is­ing it was a fake-news min­eral in­vented as an April Fool’s joke. In Novem­ber, he tried to bull­dust his way out of a sex scan­dal and at­tempts to bribe jour­nal­ists. If you un­scram­ble the word Haze­nile, what name does it most closely rep­re­sent? Man­tashe’s present is tea with aunty.

He­len Zille: A year’s hol­i­day away from Twit­ter. It won’t be all bad. She’ll be based in Cape Town, whose isiXhosa name is iKoloni. The Colony. Haibo!

John Steen­huisen: Af­ter en­dur­ing an am­bush in­ter­view on eNCA, the DA in­terim leader gets to sing a duet with Sha­han Ramkissoon. Home­less, as har­monised by Paul Si­mon and Lady­smith Black Mam­bazo.

Julius Malema: Free tick­ets for all 2020 Spring­bok rugby games. Terms & con­di­tions ap­ply. At­ten­dance is com­pul­sory, as is singing the full na­tional an­them. No kneel­ing re­quired. Trans­port by EFFrirent. Mu­sic by the VBS choir singing, “Love me ten­der”.

Mo­go­eng Mo­go­eng: Free train­ing on StayIn-Your-Lane Sim­u­la­tor. You be the judge, chief. You don’t be the politi­cian.

Her­man Mashaba: A year’s lessons on how to lis­ten to oth­ers, to avoid the Peo­ple’s Di­a­logue be­ing a mono­logue.

Iqbal Survé: An­other tiger. This one’s about to tank. A flat­ter­ing mir­ror, that’s all a nar­cis­sist needs.

Siya Kolisi: Oh Cap­tain, Our Cap­tain. You get voted in as pres­i­dent.

Merry Christ­mas, Happy Chanukah, peace and good­will to all.

In Novem­ber, Gwede Man­tashe tried to bull­dust his way out of a sex scan­dal and at­tempts to bribe jour­nal­ists.

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