Cab­bage is king this Valen­tine’s

The Citizen (KZN) - - Letters - Danie To­e­rien

Fri­day is Valen­tine’s Day. Those of you go­ing: “No sher­bet, Sher­lock” are prob­a­bly all women. As for the men? Now you know. So, start or­der­ing flow­ers, make din­ner reser­va­tions, buy plane tickets to Paris – just do what­ever you need to do to keep the woman in your life happy.

Be­cause no mat­ter how “com­mer­cial” Valen­tine’s Day has be­come, it’s a big deal for women.

It is, af­ter all, the most im­por­tant day us men are ex­pected to show our love to our true love.

And if you get it wrong, you can only blame your­self. Valen­tine’s Day is not a govern­ment ini­tia­tive. Imag­ine if it was.

For starters, there prob­a­bly wouldn’t be red roses. No, the depart­ment of agri­cul­ture wouldn’t waste a sin­gle hectare on grow­ing flow­ers, es­pe­cially not of the Colo­nial va­ri­ety.

Red cab­bage would be de­clared the of­fi­cial Valen­tine’s Day plant, with the govern­ment buy­ing them through ten­der at highly in­flated prices from ap­proved ven­dors.

The depart­ment of so­cial devel­op­ment will then hand them out with the so­cial grants.

Of course, the depart­ment of pub­lic works will ar­gue it will be much cheaper to build a cab­bage farm next to Nkandla than to trans­port all the cabbages needed for Valen­tine’s Day.

And which woman wouldn’t pre­fer a red cab­bage over a rose any­way?

Be­ing a govern­ment project, there ob­vi­ously won’t be enough red cabbages to go around. But not to worry, the min­is­ter of pub­lic en­ter­prises will task the CEO of the cab­bage farms to im­ple­ment cab­bage shedding. All those women born in even-num­bered years will get their cabbages this year, fol­lowed by the un­even num­bered the next year.

De­spite not pro­duc­ing the re­quired amount of cabbages, the cab­bage farms will need a R5 bil­lion bailout, which the depart­ment of fi­nance will duly pro­vide – as it should.

Be hon­est, no coun­try that wants to be taken se­ri­ously can be with­out a na­tional cab­bage farm.

So, gentle­men, if by Fri­day you are still with­out a gift, you know what to get. Be one step ahead, be­cause noth­ing says “I love you” more than a red cab­bage.

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