Love me tender, love me true

It was wicked, they all knew, that the media would dare to question the acts of loving charity which took place within the loving ANC family.

The sun glinted off the gleaming Range Rovers, Mercs and Porsches in the five-star hotel parking lot. Looking out of the window, the chair of the ANC Education Committee, Comrade Front Company, took a swig of his glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label.

“I love what you have done with your Range Rover Supercharged, Comrade Freedom Charter,” he said, turning to a man whose stomach was fighting a losing battle to stay constrained by his Gucci jacket.

“Thank you. It has a green paint job, the upholstery is gold and the tyres are black… the party colours!”

Freedom Charter continued: “They also put on a special anti-scratch protective coating, developed for ANC leaders…so their wives or their side chicks don’t get angry and damage the paintwork.”

Someone else chipped in: “That reminds me – Comrade Malusi sends his apologies.

“He has his hands full at the moment...” Front Company brought the meeting to order: “Comrades, this committee is about learning from others and teaching others.

“We need to send a delegation urgently to Comrade Mnangagwa in Zimbabwe, to learn how he deals with cheeky journalists. We need to know his process for locking them up, so we can do the same here when ours start reporting about PPE tenders…”

Everybody looked at each other. It was wicked, they all knew, that the media would dare to question the acts of loving charity which took place within the loving ANC family. Comrade Ace’s boys would do wonderful service for the country with the tenders they got from the Free State government. New Number One’s son, Andile, will perform miracles in sanitising taxis thanks to his multimillion contract.

Comrade Nomvula Mokonyane’s daughter was also able to help the national fight against Covid, they knew, although some had misgivings about the fact that the company she set up last year had the racist word “Rhodesia” in its name.

But the committee’s role in sharing its knowledge was next up on the agenda.

“We have received a letter from Guiseppe Pastaverdi in Palermo in Sicily,” said Front Company.

“He says he and the hard workers in the Cosa Nostra have only admiration for the way King Madzikane II Diko faced down the thugs when questioned about the Gauteng PPE deal.”

The Comrades nodded their approval. They remembered exactly what the husband of Comrade Khusela had said: “I have endeavoured to attain entrepreneurial experience and engage in business enterprises that will benefit my family and the community I serve, which remains largely poor and socially and economically marginalised.”

They broke into spontaneous applause and someone shouted from the back: “Much better than the fire pool answer, Comrades!”

Front Company calmed the enthusiasm and went on: “Our Italian Mafia friends say they have learned a lot from us, but Guiseppe says he needs to meet the King and Khusela in person, to learn how to say those sort of things with a straight face!”

The voice of Comrade Khusela came from the back: “But Chief, we didn’t get the tender money, so how will we pay for the trip to Italy? The air force won’t let us use Comrade Cyril’s jet and first class is not cheap, you know!”

Comrade Front Company smiled: “Don’t worry, there is still a few million left in the Blind Orphans Fund…”