The Citizen (KZN)

Rock stars in office

- Hein Kaiser

We have an election coming up. And it’s the usual smiling faces on posters and promises of a full pantry while the piggy bank has long since been raided.

We need a rock star in office, and instead of a parliament of bores and snores, an assembly of artists that can play to our tune; tracks we like.

Imagine this: A country where the guitar riff is mightier than the pen, Doc Martens, jeans, leather pants and shades replace expensive suits at the opening of parliament every year and the State of the Nation Address is released on iTunes.

It tells us what we Oughtta Know (apologies Alanis Morrisette) and about the mess predecesso­rs left.

Guns ’n Roses’ Slash would officiate at the opening of parliament with the national anthem performed as a guitar solo. Elvis Presley’s Jailhouse Rock approach as the minister of police replaces Bheki Cele’s fedora with flamboyant rock and roll clobber, dressed to hip-shake a clampdown on the excesses of corruption, his policy A Little Less Conversati­on, More Action.

As soon as Naledi Pandor gets deposited into retirement, the honourable Janis Joplin shuffles in to lead internatio­nal relations.

Her approach to geopolitic­s is the much praised Piece of My Heart global peace plan that suddenly elevates South Africa to a real player in the arena.

A new ministeria­l post replaced social developmen­t’s whataboute­ry. The ministry of band aid takes care of the frail, the forgotten and the underprivi­leged with trade, not aid. U2’s Bono assumes the role of minister.

Imagine Ozzy Osbourne as the minister of public enterprise­s. Boards and chief executives of state-owned companies will simply be told to f-off when they underperfo­rm.

Jimi Hendrix will be tasked to fix our education system, because “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens”. Freddie Mercury becomes the reluctant minister of sport, because We Are The Champions and can perform Under Pressure.

Madonna becomes minister of women, role modelling empowermen­t and shattering glass ceilings. David Bowie is the minister of men’s affairs.

It’s a government that works, because if you don’t like their tune, you don’t buy their music.

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