It’s hard to be a man today
THIS past Sunday was so-called Father’s Day. Manhood and fatherhood are contested issues today. Gone are the days when the rites of passage provided clarity on roles and expectations. The idea of manhood is no longer evident once you have gone through a (sometimes life-threatening) initiation school.
The old psychological divisions that made categorisation and gender identities clear have become blurred and questioned: strong/weak, leader/nurturer, head of the house/follower, rational/emotional and provider/home-carer do not work so well anymore. In fact, they are rejected as crude generalisations of people – men and women – and part of the patriarchal relic of our cultures.
The role divisions – such strong social markers of identity – have equally become less obvious: “outside” the house (garden, car) versus “inside” the house (cooking and dishwashing); a secondary role in raising babies and small children versus a primary role in the lives of children; full-time career and basic income for the family versus not having an external career at all or only earning a part-time, secondary income.
Women claim their rights to be full persons and advance in careers – all careers – including those traditionally seen as “male” like politician, medical doctor, engineer, airline pilot, mining boss and motor mechanic. Although it was probably not the intention, the advancement of women and the blurring of general psychological and role responsibilities to create a more equal human race led to a deep confusion among men.
The reason is simple: when one breaks down stereotypes, they should be replaced with an unambiguous alternative, otherwise you leave men in an impossible situation. They do not feel it politically correct to exert their “manhood” as traditionally defined.
Some with insight agree that the old ideas are in fact discriminatory and morally wrong.
But the moment men then attempt to reconceptualise themselves, they find social resistance from other men and – yes – from women who prefer the safety of old roles. They therefore have the almost impossible task of reading each social situation and determining whether the safe space exists that would allow them to show emotions or express no interest in cars, but rather in recipes.
The response to this identity confusion can be quite varied. On the more serious end of the scale, men intuitively decide that the only way to re-collect themselves is to return to the “old” patriarchal power paradigm.
Because this space is no longer naturally there, they have to use physical and emotional violence to claim back what they have lost. We know rape is not a crime of sex, but one of power.
We know that addiction to work is not rooted in love for the job, but a desperate continuous act to prove manhood and “being provider”. If that is not possible anymore, I might resort to killing my family (I am not good enough for them) and commit suicide (I am not good enough for the world).
At the other end of the continuum, one finds young boys – in a complex mix of hereditary and social factors – who just find themselves unwelcome in their own skin and body as males. They gradually grow to accept that they are gay, but are once again up against social condemnation.
They may marry and have children, but at some point break out and declare who they actually are. Extreme cases of trans-gender movements occur as some men simply cannot be other than a woman, and go to great physical and emotional lengths to undergo sex-change operations and rebuild their identities.
In the middle are the majority of men who live multiple lives in one: they create the
Although it was probably not the intention, the advancement of women and the blurring of general psychological and role responsibilities to create a more equal human race led to a deep confusion among men
breakaways “with the boys” to go fishing for a week or go on a rugby tour with the Springboks or Bafana. There they live in patriarchal bliss, feeding the roots of their lost selves.
Back in normal society they play the intricate social game of respecting women bosses, going to a female doctor (except for prostrate problems), washing dishes, taking turns to make the young ones sleep and gladly accepting that their spouses want to be super-humans to ensure a double income household.
Nothing can prepare us for manhood and even less for fatherhood. There is no public support for us in re-negotiating who we are and what we shall become.
No ministry of male affairs, no day declared a public holiday for men to become – temporarily – the focus of attention and affection, reassuring us that we are fine.
We are crying out for help. But because this cry is socially unacceptable (men do not cry), it is also not heard.
When it is heard, it is socially unacceptable to respond (men cannot be weak).
It is tough (a patriarchal word?) to be a man and a father today.