Avoid negative fallout of ‘no’

My to-do list is out of control and I am highly stressed, and it’s because I can’t say no to people. What is the right way to say no?

YOU are not alone – we all do it. Most of us worry that we’ll sound rude, lazy, stubborn or arrogant. We worry that no one will take us seriously or that we won’t appear to be a team player. We’re taught to be positive in the workplace and no is decidedly negative. As a result we have got used to always saying, yes instead.

There is definitely a right way and a wrong way to set limits in the workplace. If you fall into the common traps of the wrong way, you very well could end up facing all those above-mentioned fears. To avoid negative fallout from saying no, keep reading.

Here are five things to avoid at all cost:

Don’t jump the gun

Don’t say “no” too quickly. This is a sure-fire way to frustrate colleagues, make them feel unheard and problems remain unsolved. Before you say no, think, and ask questions to understand what’s being asked of you before you make a decision.

Give short explanations

Hardly anyone just says no. We say, “I would, but . . .” Or “if it had been any day but today”. In other words, when people ask for something, you’re probably giving them an explanation as to why you must say no.

But this gives them a chance to try again, to find a little workaround. “Oh, you’re busy this week? How about next week?” “Oh, the drive is too far? Let’s meet half-way!”

Practise different, polite but assertive ways of saying no that contain no explanation/workaround, such as,

“I can’t this time.”

“Sorry – not today.”

“That won’t work for me right now – but I’ll get back to you if anything changes.”

“I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’ve just got too much on my plate right now.”

Don’t change your mind

Never, say no and then go back and say yes. This sets the precedent that people don’t need to respect your decision because, if they just add more pressure, you’ll cave in.

Don’t be emotional

You want to convey how overwhelmed you are and why saying no is absolutely unavoidable, but you need to do it without getting emotional. Focus objectively on facts, deliverables and deadlines but not on your feelings.

Offer solutions

Don’t just say no and walk away; this is the No 1 reason why saying no has such a bad reputation. You don’t want to leave people in the lurch.

Just because you say no to accepting a new task, for example, doesn’t make it go away. It still has to get done.

If you say no and offer no alternative, you’re just creating a new problem. You’re not thinking of the good of the team; you’re only thinking of yourself.

Offering solutions is a way of showing that you understand the request is important and care about the outcome. For example, you may suggest someone else who could help or you could break the task down into smaller components that you (or others) could help with.

Pay attention to what people are asking and how

Be mindful of persuasion techniques that people often use when making a request. Common ones include:

Reciprocity. People often give you something before making a request. This is because they know about the psychological tendency to want to reciprocate.

Making two “asks”. When people ask for something and you say “no”, they increase the odds that when they ask for something else (usually something smaller), you’ll say yes. “Well, if you won’t donate R100, could you at least . . . ?”

Anchoring. For example, “most people donate X amount,” or “most other parents volunteer Y hours”.

Establishing similarity between asker and askee.

Physical attractiveness.

Be a little selfish

In general, I consider myself to be pretty good at saying no. This is because I’ve had to learn to in order to manage my stress and efficiency levels.

If saying yes adds extra stress to your life, if it eats into your leisure time, if it increases your blood pressure, leads to less sleep, less exercise, and a less healthy diet then you need to say no. There are some things you can never have back: your time, your health, your virtue, your life.

Don’t mess around with those things. It’s fine for people to ask – most likely, in their mind, they’re trying to help introduce you to a great person or opportunity or meaningful cause. And it’s just as fine for you to say no.