How to reflect emotion back to the speaker

This week we look at the third step in the affect labelling technique and a few pointers on what to look out for during the process.

The third step entails reflecting that emotion, as you have assessed it, back to the speaker.

Case studies show that the most effective form of this is to reflect such emotion in a short declaration, such as “You are angry” or “You are anxious”.

Earlier conflict resolution techniques made use of the so-called “I statement” (“When I hear that I think that you are angry”).

If you do affect labelling correctly you are trying to understand the emotionally distraught person and to help them.

This is not about you. The “you” statements keep the focus where it should be.

Some people react to this by wondering whether such a statement is not presumptuous or even rude.

Try it out for yourself in a friendly environment.

If done correctly the speaker feels deeply heard.

If you get the emotion wrong the speaker can correct you, but at least you show that you are trying to understand and that you are working with the speaker towards resolution.

As you use this technique and hope for success, look out for three things that may be indicative of your progress

— listen for some kind of verbal response such as a “uhhuh”, “Yes” or anything showing that you have connected with the speaker.

Watch out for the emotional speaker’s shoulders to drop (we tense up our shoulders when we argue and become emotionally riled up) and third, watch for a sigh or some other sign of relaxation (a change in the cadence of words used, slower, more deliberate movements).

The emotionally distraught person has now hopefully calmed down sufficiently so as to be able to continue more calmly; some connection may have been made with you, trust may have been built and some lessons learnt all around.

Remember, as we discussed earlier, not to use this technique as a weapon and to allow for the healthy expression of emotion.

Next week we start having a look at how to use dignity as a conflict-resolving tool.