Meaning of family far more than just relatives
I grew up in a close-knit family which extended itself beyond blood and borders.
There were always extra placemats at the dining room table, and second bowls of rice and stew, just in case.
It was this way in my grandparents’ house, and in my own. In fact, I don’t remember a single birthday, Christmas, Easter or braai involving only family members linked by genetics or marriage.
Despite the fact that I had no cousins in SA, I was surrounded by a colourful tapestry of children and all sorts — uncles and aunties who weren’t “really” my aunty or uncle, glamorous elderly widows who brought sherry trifles on every occasion, nextdoor neighbours, morose teens and, quite often, several dogs.
A highlight of the holidays was our shack at Kromme River, which was built by my grandfather and his sons from flood-damaged wood.
It was basic and beautiful, with a lounge that could comfortably hold ten, but mostly accommodated double that.
Home, for me, was a place where people felt loved.
It didn’t matter if you weren’t kin — it mattered that you were you.
This is perhaps why I’ve always loved gathering a tribe around me — people who enjoy being together for the sake of enjoyment, rather than familial duty.
I have family whom I hardly see. They have no interest in spending time with me, or my husband and kids, and so clearly view us as a “duty” for the sake of social etiquette, that I’ve gamely stopped trying to be pals with them.
And that’s the thing about friends whom we choose to love, and who choose to love us — whether we are blood family or not.
The fact that my kids get loving cuddles, calls, genuine gifts, voice notes and birthday remembrances from their real auntie, who lives far away but still seems close because of it, and from their godmother, and my friends, whom they call “auntie”, is more than enough.
This clannish behaviour among some families — this hierarchy of “us and them”, with a chosen few occupying the “love space” in a family unit, is nonsense.
It doesn’t reflect how I was brought up, or how I want my children to behave when they grow up.
My favourite quote, shared frequently with friends who are family, and with family who are thankfully friends, is a powerful reminder of what family really is:
“Soul Family are those who gather around you in your life, not connected by blood or race, but by energy and essence. They bring unconditional love and support at the perfect times, and understand and share the same mission and purpose. For you I am grateful. We are one.”