Two techniques to help deal with marital conflicts

We conclude our four-part series on marital conflict by looking at two last categories of available techniques that could help us resolve these important conflicts.

Conflict triggers: Marital conflicts, maybe more than any other, show several interlinked conflict patterns.

In my work, the finding of these patterns is often the first and most important clue to where the parties are in their conflicts.

The topics may (or may not) change, but there are often discernible patterns of conflicts that become cyclical, repetitive and, more often than not, harmful.

These patterns are items of unresolved conflicts, for whatever reason, and continue to poison the well of that marriage.

While we may all have them to some degree, they are generally cause for some concern, and they should be identified and resolved.

These unresolved conflicts, as well as other areas of concern or vulnerability in your life, and your partner’s life, will be more likely to set off conflict. These conflicts can ostensibly be about one topic, but really be about one of these conflict triggers.

In this way, for example, an argument can seem to be about the price of school clothes, but really have triggered insecurity about adequately providing for your family, or losing your job.

Try to see these triggers, in yourself and your partner, the words, the concepts, the memories that make up these triggers and try to manage them better.

This may need you to time discussions about them as well as you can.

You need not necessarily understand or judge these triggers, just being aware of them is often already a great conflict management tool.

Four red flags: The above conflict techniques and information will hopefully help you to start on the journey to improve your general conflict competence, from which will follow an increased conflict confidence.

We conclude our brief discussion on marital conflict with four red flags waved by well-known marriage researcher John Gottman, four warning signs that we should heed in the interests of a healthy marriage.

Gottman has had remarkable success in predicting the success or failure of a marriage using these four categories of conflict.

They are criticism, where we do not mean to improve behaviour but really just want to be negative in pointing out mistakes in or made by our partner, and contempt, where we actually intend insulting our partner.

These first two red flags generate, thirdly, an atmosphere of defensiveness and conflict rigidity, where honest communication and accountability become increasingly more difficult, and people now start to either close down or they start repeating themselves.

The fourth warning sign is then stonewalling, where one or both of the partners start disengaging from the relationship, where they refuse to meaningfully discuss an issue, where they are unable to make concessions or accept responsibility, and where improving or saving the marriage becomes very difficult.

Of course all four of these events are to be expected in a marriage.

Not every criticism or insult will be a warning sign, but it is when these events start forming repetitive patterns that there should be cause for concern and a proactive response.