Nkosi: The beast is growling in my stomach again
HE’S OUT of the dark cave he was in, feeling the light on his skin and the wind in his hair again and ready to play rugby.
These are the words of Bulls and Springboks winger Sbu Nkosi on his return to Loftus Versfeld after a period that almost stole his life and his rugby career.
Nkosi spoke for the first time about his return to rugby and what led him to disappear for a few weeks and sparked a widespread search for him in November and December.
“I’m feeling myself again, my spirit is revived,” Nkosi said in a Bulls interview.
“I almost felt like a shadow of the man that I was supposed to be. And I needed to take a step back to fix that before it became a problem.
“There’s no specific moment I can point to where it all began but I do think there are significant triggers along the journey – this absolutely vile energy building up. It all started back when I was at the Sharks, in the last few months of my stint there.
“And then I came here to this beautiful environment, you know, and it got me up, it got me up … amazing players, good coaches and the people upstairs also here for us. It lifted me.
“And at some point everything just started becoming heavy again.”
According to Nkosi it felt like bad luck just compounded the situation and that he was fighting negative energy that was all around him constantly, but he could not see it.
Nkosi referenced his broken rib last year that kept him out of the Springboks’ yearend tour to Europe as one of the instances of bad luck, and thereafter it just “kept raining”.
He injured his rib on October 30 against the Sharks and found himself on the sidelines during an important Bok tour.
Over the past two months, though, he has learnt how to handle his emotions, especially with him being an emotional creature who does not want to disappoint those looking up to him (as a role model).
“I can feel the beast growling in my stomach again. My confidence is back up, and my vision is clear. There was a lot of cloudiness and that has disappeared. Those are the characteristics that I need to be myself to my full potential.”
After his disappearance, a missing person’s case was opened, while the search by his family, friends, colleagues and employer continued.
It was not the first time Nkosi had disappeared while playing for a South African franchise.
The winger also went missing for a bit at the Sharks, before the move to Loftus.
Things that came a bit easier to him felt increasingly more difficult. What he knew, though, was that he had to find the energy to pull himself out from where he was and take
care of himself.
“If I don’t take care of myself right now, it was going to be rest in peace messages (coming through). So let me take a step back to regain my energy to fight. Because I know I have tons of energy but the moment that lacks, I know there’s a problem.
“And it (his energy) was in a deficit, as hard as I was trying. I was managing my anxiety for a little over a year. I was trying my best. I would be out in public, smiling with people. It got to the point where I felt this is not right. It was taking a physical toll on me.”
Nkosi is happy that he is back at Loftus with his “boys” and says he received a good welcome back, even though everyone who looked for him and was happy to see him back could have made things difficult by demanding answers.
He’s now ready to give 110% to his team whenever they call on him.
“I’m looking forward to winning the URC (United Rugby Championship). I’m looking forward to getting a couple of tries under my name. And to play a rugby game the way I’ve always played it.”