Tough life lessons
N FRIDAY night I was privileged to attend the launch of My Moquini by Karen Tocknell at the Royal Natal Yacht Club.
The book details the tragic disappearance of the yacht Moquini in the Mauritius-to-Durban Ocean Yacht Race in September 2005.
All six crew members – Graham Cochrane, Sheldon Dickerson, Kurt Ostendorf, Michael Goolam, Mark Dickerson and Neil Tocknell – vanished without a trace, despite an intensive, drawn-out search-andrescue operation, covering hundreds of thousands of square nautical miles of open ocean south of Madagascar.
The story dominated the media and captured the country’s attention.
The book’s author lost her husband, Neil, in that fateful event. She writes how she and her young children, Ryan (who turned one at the time), Sarah and Jenna, have coped in the ensuing years since the day their lives were shattered.
An unwavering faith and strong sense of purpose enabled them to find meaning in an event that is ultimately any wife and mother’s worst nightmare.
The ordeal gave them the strength and inspiration to turn their journey from one with a hopeless end into a story of endless hope.
As much as wewould not wish it on anyone, adversity in childhood, up to a point, is not necessarily detrimental to the development of young lives. In the long run, it may even be to their benefit.
Many children who grow up in such environments learn to appreciate more the value of relationships, family, community and even money. They also learn that success in life is not necessarily a given, and it takes effort, commitment and a defined purpose to achieve one’s goals, unlike many of our young people who desire wealth – preferably now and without the hard work required to attain it. Instant gratification has become the norm. I think for many their comfort zones are not challenged frequently enough.
I perform annual medical assessments on the directors of large corporates. It seems more than coincidence that it often emerges many of these successful individuals had tough childhoods or were brought up in single-parent households.
While I am obviously not advocating undue hardship for our children, I do believe we do them a disservice by overindulging and spoiling them. They need to learn to face challenges on their own, experience a degree of hardship at times and learn the value of money.
All this should occur in an environment of unconditional love, emotional support and encouragement – children thrive on this and die without it.
I am proud to sayKaren, the author of My Moquini, is my younger sister. I have no doubt her three children will grow up to be fine adults – an enduring testimony to a dedicated and purposedriven motherwho knows what it takes to conquer anything and everything life throws at her. W HILE a book for young children about sex organs, masturbation and orgasms (among other things) may sound controversial, grown-ups need to recognise that the debate itself has been usurped by reality.
Saranne Meyersfeld, HIV researcher and author of Tell Me About the Changes in My Body, says many young people stumble blindly towards sexual experimentation out of ignorance or because of peer pressure.
“Kids of today seem to know a huge amount about sex, but very few have information about how their bodies work,” she says.
“Who is talking to them about the sometimes frightening body changes as they approach puberty? Who is explaining to them what the consequences of sex can be? “In most cases, the answer is nobody.” Meyersfeld, who is well known in the field of HIV and Aids research and has developed numerous educational books on subjects including counselling, paediatric HIV management, adolescent sexual and reproductive health and sexual violence, says parents need to talk to their children from an early age about sex.
“Innocence and its preservation is a lovely idea, except that it is not realistic. The media and peers will get to your children first. Keeping the lines of communication open will make topics such as puberty – or sex – easy to talk about.”
Discussing her latest book, Tell Me About the Changes in My Body, which makes good use of basic words and amusing illustrations, Meyersfeld says: “Talking about the changes that occur during adolescence and puberty is a subject many people feel ill-equipped to deal with.
“[Many] adults lack knowledge about the facts of puberty. Their discomfort, often coupled with various belief systems, prevent them from talking to children about what is happening to their bodies during a very confusing and embarrassing stage of their lives. But talking dispels embarrassment and normalises the changes.”
It’s this notion of normalisation that is perhaps at the core of strategies to eradicate rape crimes and other inappropriate behaviour.
“Normalise that we are sexual being while explaining that there are issues of right and wrong,” she says.
“We have an epidemic of sexual violence in SA. We all have sexual feelings. These need to not be confused with love and it [should be] understood that sexual acts have consequences.
Childline KZN's Linda Naidoo says: “Many of the adult survivors of childhood sex abuse that I work with indicated that their parents did not discuss issues of sexuality with them and this made it all the more difficult to discuss or disclose sexual abuse. This especially occurs with boys - who are given messages of permissiveness.
“Parents need to recognise that we live in a society that is sexually violent, we need to generate a moral and value base for our children that informs them of: under what circumstances sex should be permitted.”