Hotbed of crime
HERE’S something to make even the Mounties look insipid. An advert placed internationally for police recruits says the force in question is looking for a candidate “who would have unflinching confidence to know what to do when you are alerted to an abandoned seal pup making its way up the main street”.
The successful applicant would also need “the resolve to issue a parking ticket to your spouse so tactfully as not to find your dinner in the dog thereafter”.
Other challenges facing members of this force could be “rescuing goldfish, investigating fried eggs and competing with lifeboat crews to make pasties”.
Where is this hotbed of crime? The Isles of Scilly, off the British mainland. A monstrous 57 misdeeds were reported there over the past year, including the theft of three bicycles.
Response to the ad was phenomenal. Calls came from the Ukraine, Texas, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, the Philippines, Thailand, Spain, Greece, Australia and Italy. But the position had already been filled from the Devon and Cornwall police. Another vacancy is likely in a year’s time.
As our council sets about revamping the metro police, they should surely be arranging some sort of exchange agreement with the Isles of Scilly.
I suspect our fellows are a little deficient in handling an abandoned seal pup wandering down the main street.
Vivat Oxonia
OXFORD really have creamed it this year. Not only did they win the Boat Race (men’s and women’s), but they also beat Cambridge in the Goat Race.
Two pygmy goats raced 200m at Spitalfields City Farm, near the River Thames, where the university Boat Race took place.
Goat Hamish got Oxford’s first win in six years, beating Hugo, who ran for Cambridge.
The pair competed for an edible vegetable trophy.
The Goat Race is run every year on Boat Race day. Crowds come to watch and the takings pay the farm’s feed bill for the year.
Fire-breather
GODZILLA, the giant fire-breathing lizard that wreaks death and destruction, is being honoured in Japan. Fans were treated to a 52m Godzilla head at a ceremony in Shinjuku ward, Tokyo.
The Japanese hope Godzilla, who has featured in movies made first in Japan then later in Hollywood, will become a tourist attraction. No, this has nothing to do with Helen Zille.
Yorkie
A DOG in England stopped a passing RSPCA van so he could be returned to his owner 160km away.
Alfie the Yorkshire terrier had been stolen in the West Midlands almost a month ago. RSPCA inspector Stephanie Law was driving down a country road in Gerrards Cross, Buckinghamshire, when the little dog rushed out and barked furiously at her.
She stopped, and as she opened the door Alfie jumped in. She scanned the dog’s microchip and got the owner’s address – an overjoyed Kirsty Mitton.
Said Miss Law: “I’ve had plenty of people wave me down for help, but I’ve never actually been flagged down by a dog in need of rescue before. It was as if he recognised my uniform and knew I was there to rescue him.”
Who stole Alfie? The police are hauling in for questioning scores of those old ladies who carry Yorkshire terriers about in their handbags.
Maths
SOME whizzbangs:
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.