The job for you
ARE you of average height with a fresh, open face, slightly balding and with a handsome, drooping moustache? Do you wear colourful check shirts? If so, this could be just the job for you.
Tronco Gomez, a state politician in Mexico, is advertising on the internet for a body double so he can be in two places at once and cope with his “many obligations”.
Gomez is a deputy in the legislature of the eastern state of Veracruz.
The contest winner will have to study the way he speaks and acts, to fully play the role.
But, Gomez says, the double will not be permitted to attend the state legislature or sleep with his wife.
Significantly, no doubt, a photograph of the wife is not included in the post.
No point in attracting Speedy Gonzales.
But Gomez will share his earnings as a state legislator and – even if the wife is off-limits – he looks the kind of fellow who would have a string of girlfriends or, if he is a faithful husband, a string of ladies who would like to be his girlfriend.
This could be a position with great fringe benefits. Ole, ole, ole!
Piggy
THIS little piggy went to market, this little piggy… crashed through the ceiling of a children’s clothing store.
It happened in Hong Kong where a wild boar that had wandered in from the forested hills around the city somehow got into the shop’s false ceiling, then fell through.
It paraded along the top of some display counters, then jumped to the floor where it charged about, causing panic and damaging some mannequins.
Animal handlers arrived, tranquillised the boar and took it to an animal rehab centre.
I suppose you could accurately describe this as a boar in a china shop.
Military briefing
WORDS of wisdom come this way, culled from military training manuals:
If the enemy is in range, so are you. – Infantry journal.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. – US Air Force manual.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. – General Douglas MacArthur.
Five-second fuses last about three seconds. – Infantry journal.
Any ship can be a Austrian artist Bernhard Schmid places chairs that were grown as trees in his garden in Lassnitzhoehe, Austria. Schmid creates chairs from branches of maple, hazelnut or hornbeam wood by letting the trees grow into their final design over about 20 years. No nails, screws or glue is used in the process. minesweeper. Once. – Naval operations manual.
If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him. – Infantry journal.
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. – Paul F Crickmore (SR71 test pilot).
“If you hear me yell: ‘Eject, Eject, Eject!’ the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask ‘Why?’ you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.” – Pre-flight briefing from a Canadian F104 pilot.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. – Basic flight training manual.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. – Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Montham air force base.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal. – Lead-in, fighter training manual.
Tailpiece
A CHARITY fund-raiser visits a wealthy and notoriously tight-fisted lawyer at his offices.
“Nice place you’ve got here.” He takes in the plush surroundings. “Yeah, comfortable.” “You must do pretty well.” “I make about 6 million a year.” “Do you give any of that to charity?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says: “Do you know that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” “Er, no, I didn’t know that.” “Do you know that my brother is a disabled war veteran? That he’s blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The fund-raiser starts to stammer an apology, but the lawyer holds up his hand.
“Do you know that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” “So if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
Last word THE only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. – John Kenneth Gailbraith