Digital relationships
IT’S a world run by computers. They have all the answers, even to the deep issues of human relationships. Consider this e-mail a woman sent to Tech Support.
“Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the Flowers and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
“In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: Rugby 5.0, Cricket 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?” Tech Support’s reply: “First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an mercidler@inl.co.za
Operating System.
“Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
“However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Flatulence and Snoring Loudly Beta.
“Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
“In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.”
It’s a wonderful cyberworld out there.
US Marines
YESTERDAY’S mention of a pet tortoise in London named Zuma – short for Montezuma – reminds historian and writer Peter Quantrill of the opening verse of the US Marine Corps Hymn:
From the Halls of Montezuma, To the shores of Tripoli, We will fight our country’s battles In the air, on land, and sea; First to fight for right and freedom And to keep our honour clean; We are proud to keep our title Of United States Marines. I suppose they could also have called that tortoise Monty. But remember it was 40 years ago that his owner took possession and it could have caused confusion. The field marshal was still around and