Lockdown set to Gilbert & Sullivan
SHAFTS of light in the gloom. The pubs have opened – reunion with old friends, lots of comely wenches. Civilisation inches its way back. And a marvellous adaptation to the coronavirus lockdown of Gilbert & Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore.
It’s hard to play and dance and sing When you’re social distancing. Who would believe that Woolies and Coles
Would have to ration toilet rolls?
Three-ply, two-ply flying out the door. They’ve bought so much and they want still more,
What are people going to do,
How many times can you go to the loo? Donald Trump’s not doing so well, He’s in a kind of Covid hell,
‘This virus is going to go away’, Sorry Donald, doesn’t work that way, His face looks odd like a mouldy peach, I think that he’s been taking bleach…
All of it with wonderful orchestral back-up. Titled Last Night at
the Proms, it seems to be the work of the West Australian Symphony Orchestra. It’s doing the rounds on WhatsApp. Very funny.
A CHALKED notice at The Pub With No Name, in Florida Road.
“WARNING: Bars need your help. We can open at only one third of our capacity. Those who cannot drink for THREE are kindly asked to leave their place for the PROFESSIONALS.”
A FELLOW walks out on to the street. He hails a cab just passing by. It stops and he climbs in.
Cabbie: “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
“Who?”
“Frank Feldman. A guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every time.”
“There are always a few clouds over everyone.”
“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could’ve won the Grand Slam at tennis.
“He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano. An amazing guy.”
“Sounds like he was really something special.”
“There’s more. He had a memory like a computer.
“He remembered everyone’s birthdays. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which forks to eat with.
“He could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” “Wow! What a guy!”
“He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them.
“But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
“He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
“How did you meet him?” “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow.”
Last word
ALWAYS read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.