The Mercury

Small town courtroom cut and thrust

- THE IDLER graham.linscott@inl.co.za | CLAUD COCKBURN

SOME court action in small town America comes this way, captured in a publicatio­n called Ireland’s Eye. (Would this be an Irish version of Britain’s satirical Private Eye?)

It’s set in Mississipp­i and an elderly grandmothe­r is on the witness stand.

Prosecutin­g attorney: “Do you know me, Mrs Jones?”

“Why, yes I do, Mr Williams, I’ve known you since you were a boy and, frankly, you’re a big disappoint­ment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back. You think you’re a big shot, while you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never be more than a two-bit paper pusher, Yes, I know you.”

Taken aback, the lawyer points across the room. “Do you know the defence attorney?”

“Why yes, I’ve also known Mr Bradley since he was a teenager. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationsh­ip with anyone and his law practice is probably the worst in the state. He’s cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife … ”

At which the judge urgently beckons both counsel to approach the Bench. He whispers hoarsely: “If either of you ask her if she knows me, you get the electric chair!”

Lockdown lament

ALL trades and profession­s are suffering in this Covid pandemic. A copy of a completed Unemployme­nt Benefits Applicatio­n comes this way: Occupation: Burglar (handwritte­n) Reason for Unemployme­nt: Everyone is home (handwritte­n).

Still got it

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.”

Shop till you drop

Joan Truscott sends in some thoughtful lines on the compulsion some gals have to go shopping.

I’m sure you’ve all heard about people who do excessive shopping

People who shop until they’re nearly dropping.

They try on clothes and shoes Dither about which to choose. Eventually they say ‘I’ll take them all’ – This is their downfall. Jewellery, household pieces

The urge to buy never ceases, Make-up and perfume they add to the list, The avid shopper can’t resist.

Some women arriving home secrete Their packages in the car boot

So hubby won’t see the loot. When at the month-end he sees the credit card slip

She’s afraid he will flip. Shopping gives some an emotional high That’s why they continue to buy.

Their cupboard groans with clothes, some Still brand new.

So what does the shopper do?

She goes to the store

To purchase yet some more,

It’s a kind of retail therapy this craving to shop

That’s why it is hard to stop. Shopping becomes a hobby all-consuming,

They think it’s a way to attain satisfacti­on they are assuming.

There are other more constructi­ve ways To explore, just as satisfying to fill their days.

Tailpiece

“May I try on that dress in the window, please?”

“No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

Last word

NEVER believe anything until it has been officially denied.

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