Why affairs can reel in married people

EXTRAMARITAL affairs are seductive. They appear to offer better, more intense passion than the marriage.

Hide-and-seek will do this, spawning the kind of relationship one wished was possible with a spouse. It’s amazing how “attractive” someone can sound, look and feel with added adrenalin. The secrecy idealises the other. Deception, the “ducking and diving”, gives the stolen hour its vitality.

What is so ridiculously seductive (and hurts so badly) is the belief that the affair is about you. Actually, it is about who you are not. It is about what you do not represent.

You are not the wife or husband; the “routine”.

Yours is not the other name on the home or lease, you are not the one who drives the other car in the garage. You are not the one whom the children sound like when they are at their worst (and best). It’s not your beauty. It is not your charm (although you might be both beautiful and charming). It is the difference from, the contrast with, what your affair knows.

In his or her boredom and selfishness, you become so very appealing in the heat of it all. It’s the contrast he or she “loves”.

The secrecy, the chase, the conniving, make it all so surreal and such a turn-on. It is not you. It is not he or she who has met you here in this rendezvous, but the secret itself, the fact that you will share this secret, that’s lighting the fire.