Because I’m a man… (in the interests of equality)

NOT LONG ago, in this column, I made fun of women. Just to show how Stoep Talk is evenhanded, I am, today, offering some female chauvinism. Oh yes, women can chauv men around too – although real men don’t mind. A reader sent this: Because I’m a man, when the car runs badly, I’ll open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at.

If another man shows up, one of us will say: “I used to be able to fix these things, but with all these new-fangled computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.

Women never get as sick so it isn’t an issue for them.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will take it apart, even if it costs twice as much for the repairman to reassemble it.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. I might miss a whole show looking for it but unless I have it, I can’t concentrate.

Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost and I don’t think we need ask the way.

Why would a complete stranger know where we’re going anyway?

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or food, though I have to make up something else when you ask – so don’t.

Because I’m a man, I am capable of announcing: “One more beer and I really have to go”, and mean it every time, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and we all have to hunt down another.

And no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes on to the pavement. Like, where’s the connection?

Because I’m a man I think what you’re wearing is fine. What you were wearing before was fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. Can’t we just go now?

Because I’m a man of the 21st century, I’ll share the housework. You just do the washing, the cooking, the garden, the cleaning and the dishes and leave the rest to me.

A teacher told me the difficulties of teaching students whose second language is English.

Earlier this year, she had taught her class idioms such as “it’s raining cats and dogs”.

Recently she had laryngitis and she explained to her class: “I have a frog in my throat.”

Seeing the startled looks on their faces, she realised they had forgotten that particular idiom.

Without thinking, she then ex- plained: “I’m a little hoarse today.”

That really made them exchange nervous glances.

Here’s a key to what teachers mean in their report card clichés. It comes from The Teacher Network, which finds teachers for South African schools, so you can rely on it.

“Has difficulty forming stable relationships” – I can’t stand him either.

“Adventurous” – Will break his silly neck before the year is out.

“Easily distracted” – Hasn’t produced a single piece of good work all year. “Friendly” – Never shuts up. “Imaginative” – Lies and cheats. “Needs praise and encouragement” – Is thick as two short planks.

“Expresses himself clearly” – Foulmouthed. “Helpful” – A creep. “Easily upset” – Spoilt rotten. “Enjoys the outdoors” – Smokes behind the bike shed.