Sock it to your stocking-fillers with thanks
THIS is the time of year when children are given their umpteenth warning that they’d better write to their relatives thanking them for their Christmas gifts – before it’s time to go back to school. The trouble is that most aunts and uncles tend to give such practical (boring) gifts – like socks.
Belinda Tamsen, a pupil in Grade 4 at Malhurst Primary School, is one such child.
It is the one time of year that Belinda feels no enthusiasm at all for picking up her ever-busy pen.
It is me, Belinda Tamsen yor nees and my mother says I must rite to say thank you for the per of sox you sent for crissmus. Thay wer jus wot I wunted! My little brutha was also very pleeezed with the bib you sent him.
Daddy says it musta cost a packit and he hope you dident hafta morgidge the howse or ennythink.
Yor luving nees – Belinda
Thank you for the per of wite sox you sent me 4 crissmus. Thay wer jus wot I wunted! And mi littel brutha was also pleezed with the baby spoon you bort 4 him. He orlways wunted a baby spoon
Yor luving nees – Belinda
Thank you for the per of sox you sent me. Thay wer jus wot I wunted. And mie little brutha was very pleezed with the plorstick mug with Harry Potter on it orltho he don’t no who harry potter is becos he is only 2 and verry stupid and cornt reed. – Luv, Belinda
Thank you for the per of skool sox you sent me for crismuss they wer jus wot I wunted. Yors trooly,
Belinda
Thank you 4 the sox. I hav sixty millyun pers of sox now and doan no wer to put them. And mie little brutha was very pleesd with the pikcha of Jesus you sent him tho he broak the glass and cut his arterry and had to be takin 2 hos-pitt-al and lost so much blud he is brane dammidged.
Only kidding! He dussent hav a brane. Yor nees,
Belinda GOLFER MURDERS WIFE
A murder has been committed. The police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring down at the lifeless body of a woman.
The detective asks: wife?” “Yes.” “Did you hit her with that golf club?” “Yes. Yes, I did,” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head in shame. “How many times did you hit her?” “I don’t know,” says the man. “Five, six. Put me down for a five.”
“Sir, is that your WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Reader Tony Davies tells me of a world survey conducted by the UN last month. The question asked was: “Please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a failure because: 1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
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