I’m okay Jack, but everybody knows Zim isn’t

ABIT of general catching up today, chasing after the soul of the world around us. How fascinating is the new rule for conversing with Zimbabweans in South Africa: “Everybody knows our election was rigged, it’s another disgrace by Zanu-PF.”

“Nobody knows if your election was rigged, there are only floppy allegations.”

“Everybody knows the election was rigged, because (Nelson) Chamisa won.”

“Nobody has yet shown me a reason to know that Chamisa won.”

“Of course you know that Chamisa won, because everybody knows the election was rigged.”

Oi, how dangerous it is to say everybody knows. In 1980, everybody knew that the Second Coming had nothing on Robert Mugabe winning; paradise had officially dawned.

A morose question: assuming Zimbabwe’s MDC sooner or later wins an election, reproclaiming freedom and democracy and all that Zanu-PF proclaimed in 1980. What then? What is to assure us that in another 40 years we don’t have another diaspora saying “everybody knows our election was rigged, it’s another disgrace by MDC”. It might be said that the whole world needs better politics, but this part needs it extra.

Do the talk shows have a new rule? To not return the greeting of the caller who greets you?

This has been a thorn in the talkshow firmament since they began. Jack, the host, welcomes Rosie from Brakpan, and Rosie says: “How are you, Jack?” Jack says: “Fine thanks and you?” To which Rosie, hopefully and usually, gives the fine-thanks or an equivalent brief reply.

A minute later Jack welcomes Sipho from Randfontein, who says: “How are

New greetings rule over the air underlines the fact that loose talk has a price

Contact Stoep: E-mail: dbeckett@global.co.za you, Jack?” Jack hasn’t noticed much shift in his welfare over the last 60 seconds. He restates: “Fine thanks,” irritatingly aware that the listener’s mind senses a subliminal shadow of “the radio is telling me things I know”.

But then what? Do you re-repeat the “and you?” adding another grain to the subtle staleness of repetition and re-risk the possibility of Sipho embarking on an essay about his health?

There were rows about this when I was in radio, shortly after Marconi’s retirement. My feeling was and is that the African attachment to the how-areyou is a major thing and a distinctive one, and endearing, too. My view had fierce detractors – “soggy, sentimental, unbusinesslike!” I think that every review came back to the same end policy, it’s individual taste.

It may be coincidence, but nowadays I’m repeatedly struck by the absence of the “and you?” And more struck by the caller’s response to the absence.

Usually, which in the case of African callers might mean always, you can feel the moment of jolt. Frequently they reply to the question that wasn’t asked: “Yes, I’m all right, thank you,” before going into their point.

I wonder. If there’s finally been a decision that, yes, we must accelerate things and keep interest up, I wonder how long it’ll last. .

Few quandaries are smaller than the form that you complete for a blood test, a licence or hiring a chainsaw…

It requires your identity number. In the next box it wants a date of birth, which was in your ID number.

In the next box it wants age, which was in your date of birth which was in your ID number. Did the Paper Manufacturers’ Association compose the form? For repetition, they get first prize. (So relax, talk show guys.)