Beware of sibling favouritism
MANY siblings, when they get together as adults, joke about which child was loved the most. But is it really a joke or is there an edge of truth that still rankles us?
In one study, researchers asked adults whether their mom played favourites when they were kids. Close to 85% of respondents perceived that she did.
Is sibling favouritism real, or perceived? It turns out parents behave differently with their children, and children notice the differences.
Researchers observed children interacting with their parents and asked children and their parents to report on their interactions. How often do the parent and child laugh or play together? How often do they fight or argue? The ratings are then compared across the different siblings to determine if one child receives more positive or negative attention than the other.
One of the reassuring findings is that when the differences in how siblings are treated by parents are small, it has little to no consequence. It is only when the differences are large that we see links to children’s health and relationships.
PARENTAL STRESS PLAYS A ROLE
Research on all different kinds of relationships shows us that a big part of how we get along with others is about the fit of personalities. The same holds for parents and children.
Although most parents love and nurture all their children, they will inevitably find that they are more in tune with one child than another.
The differences in how parents treat siblings have a basis in children’s genes. Parents treat identical twins, who share 100% of their DNA, more similarly than they treat non-identical twins, who share about 50% of their genes.
The more the personalities of siblings differ, the more their parents treat them differently.
Another driver of parenting is a child’s age. Parents interact with and discipline their children based on changes in developmental capabilities as they grow.
Added to this are issues of parental stress. When parents experience financial strain, mental health problems or partner conflict, differential parenting or sibling favouritism becomes more marked.
IMPACTS ON PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELL-BEING
Perceived favouritism can create a divide between siblings. It is associated with siblings feeling less close to one another, in childhood and adulthood. When favouritism is considerable, it is associated with all siblings showing less physical and mental well-being.
Reasons for this are not clear. But most reassuring for parents are the findings that parental explanations for why they are treating siblings differently change the experience for children. Explanations that focus on their different personalities, ages or needs are associated with lower levels of distress for children.
FIVE TIPS FOR FAIRER PARENTING
Be aware that it happens. Seek out help or support from partners, family, friends or health professionals to try to understand why it happens. As a reminder, playing favourites is more likely to occur when your stress levels are high.
Listen. When your child complains or you see fights between siblings in which they mention one getting more than another, try not to discount it. Be receptive to the child’s feelings and think about why they might be feeling this way.
Provide an explanation. Sometimes, children do need to be treated differently, like when one child is sick, hurt or has special needs. When this happens, explain it to avoid any misunderstanding.
Avoid comparing children. Focus on what each child does well; don’t pit them against one another.
Carve out individual time for each child. Try to find 10 minutes each day to spend one-on-one with each child. Do any activity that they love to do with you.