Mind power – Let it go now

We just come from a silly season that might have left you with a MIND HANGOVER and a reason to forgive. Here are PRACTICAL and UPLIFTING ways to let go and live.

The start of the new year might leave you feeling anxious. A lot could have happened previously or during the holidays that hurt you. A girlfriend who betrayed you and stole your man, a colleague who pitched your brilliant idea as hers and got the promotion you were garning for, or that spiteful aunt who hung your dirty laundry out for everyone to see in an effort to make her daughters look better than you. It could be that the day you left the family gathering you swore that it was the last time they’ll ever see you. You were so angry that harsh words were said that cannot be taken back. It could be anything, no matter how big or small, that caused the hurt. But the truth is: one day and maybe soon, and for your own good, you’ll have to forgive

and move on. We all know that forgiving is not an easy one, especially when people haven’t apologised to you or don’t think they did anything wrong. So why should you forgive? There are people who commit terrible crimes, and hurt innocent people, should they be forgiven? If you, yourself have done wrong, should you be forgiven? The answer, every time, is yes. It’s not a goody-two-shoes thing actually – it’s really quite selfish.

Lerato, 38, spent the last holidays with her family after five years of not talking to them. “The last time I was home I swore I’d never associate myself with my parents and elder siblings ever again after they all ganged up on me, judging me for having three kids born out of wedlock to different fathers. They said it was a disgrace to the family name. I was shocked because I support my kids without their help and even pay fees for my younger siblings,” she says.

But last year out of the blue, her sister reached out and invited her to a family gathering. “I had missed them and was ready to see them again. After all the years of working with a therapist to forgive my family and move on, I felt ready to be with them. Seeing them again was the best day of my life. I didn’t want to discuss the events that led to our fall out. All I wanted was peace. My parents were very apologetic. The good thing was that I had forgiven them a long time ago.” Author of self help and spirituality books including: The

Holistic Therapy File and Overload Solution, Jane Alexander, says: “Forgiving is not condoning, it’s not saying that what they did was OK,” she adds that forgiving doesn’t entail forgetting. “It’s not becoming a doormat and saying it’s OK for people to walk all over you. It’s not even about saying ‘look how enlightened and spiritual I am’. It’s about being able to let go, so you, yes you, can move on,” says Alexander.

Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person, it’s something you do for yourself. If that sounds funny, think about it. When you hold a grudge, when you’re resentful or angry with someone, it actually hurts you far more than it hurts them.

Forgiveness coach and author, Dr Fred Luskin successfully explored forgiveness therapy with people who suffered from violence in Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone as well as the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11. In his book Forgive

for Good, Dr Luskin takes us through the journey and emotions of anger. But mostly teaches us the forgiveness techniques and how that can help to move beyond past hurt so you are able to live each day with confidence and create better relationships going forward.

He further acknowledges that: “We can’t change the past. Forgiveness allows us not to stay stuck in the past. It allows us to land our planes and then make any repairs that may be necessary. Forgiveness gives us a well deserved break,” he says.

In Buddhism there’s a saying that, ‘You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger’. It’s true, anger and resentment carry huge physical and emotional costs.

Joburg-based mom of one, Thembi, 47, knows best. Out of anger she cut ties with the father of her 10-year-old son the day she pronounced her pregnancy to him. “He treated me so bad and told me to have an abortion just so there was nothing that connects me to him,” she says. “For all these years I’ve hated him or any man for that matter. I haven’t dated this whole time.” Emotions can raise your blood pressure, make you more prone to heart disease, and lower your immune system. Psychology experts say feelings of anger make you live your life in the past, mulling over what the person did, what they said, how you felt. When you cannot forgive, you will never be able to live in the present or have hope for the future.

Author of Anger, Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh draws on the practice of mindfulness and meditation to lay out a plan for physically and mentally letting go of hostility. His wisdom is based on the idea that anger and resentment reside in the body, and that calming yourself through meditation and breathing exercises can help open the door to forgiveness.

So don’t waste your life feeling hurt and angry or resentful. Don’t let someone else’s mistakes or selfishness or downright nastiness wreck your life. Remember that you hurt yourself, not the other person when you hold on to resentment. Forgive, let go and move on. Still doubtful? Here are a few ways to ease the process:

WHY FORGIVE

Even though you are aware that anger and resentment are actually harmful to you, physically and emotionally, you are still consumed by it. You simply don’t want to forgive because it seems tough and you are not ready. Realise that there are benefits to forgiving and that you have a choice whether to hold onto the grudge or not.

Actively choose to let go of anger and forgive people. Ask yourself: Am I taking something too personally? Am I projecting my feelings of anger, pain and hurt onto someone else? Am I allowing myself to become a victim here? What would it take for me to move to the next step? Think about the possibility. Ask yourself these questions. Remember that letting go is a sign of strength, not weakness.

MEDITATE, MEDITATE, MEDITATE!

The first thing to do is to sit quietly and comfortably. Become aware of your breathing and start to focus on it (without trying to change it in any way). Gradually it will become deeper and more even. Now bring the person you can’t forgive to mind. Feel the anger or resentment. Where do you feel it in your body? Breathe into the feeling, becoming aware that you are not the feeling – you are simply feeling the feeling.

WRITE IT DOWN

You may also find it useful to record your feelings in a journal – write down everything that prevents you from forgiving the other person. Why are you holding this grudge? Why do you think the other person acts this way? Imagine you were that person – put yourself in their shoes. Why did they do or say what they did? You will often realise it’s not actually personal – it’s not about you, it’s about their own problems.

Lastly, Dr Luskin has these parting wise words for you: “The process of forgiveness when learned, can lead to enhanced well-being.” Like Lerato forgiving her family was the best decision she did for herself. So go on open your heart and mind.”