Parenting – Positive fatherhood

The stereotype is that black dads aren’t pulling their weight when it comes to parenting. You can change that.

According to a 2013 study done by the SA Institute of Race Relations, a mere 4% of children in South Africa live with their fathers, and just over 39% are raised by their mothers. Overall, 33% of children in South Africa live with both parents. While this is obviously bleak news, the silver lining is that some dads are active in their children’s lives. Abroad, celeb winners for dad-of-the-year awards include the likes of Usher Raymond, who has primary custody to his two sons with ex-wife, Tameka. Rappers The Game and Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs deserve a nod too. Locally we’ve watched the Vuzu reality show Rap

Dads as hip-hop stars Ma-E, L-Tido and Reason showcased their music, and most importantly, the active role they play in their kids’ lives.

Professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of several books, Geoffrey Greif, says in an article: Single Dads: Keeping the Relationship with Your Children, that men unconsciously treat their kids the way they were raised. “If the father was brought up well, there aren’t problems but if he was ignored by his own father, he may repeat that pattern too.” TV and radio personality, DJ Sbu, agrees: “I turned out better because

of my step-dad. He came into my life when I was six years old and played the father-figure role. I saw from him what it took to be a great dad.” The great thing is there are plenty more of fathers setting an example of what it is to be a good dad. Social media is peppered with famous dads: Pro Verb, Hlomla Dandala and many others who show their love and attention to their children. Relationship and life coach Thembi Hama says positive fatherhood is, “Being a present and supportive father.” Be one.

KEEP IN TOUCH

Media personality William Lehong has a 12-year old daughter and says: “Being part of Odwa’s life was automatic. I saw that from my father. Even though him and my mom weren’t together, he was very present. I’m doing that for my daughter too.” He adds that fatherhood is understanding and being aware that you’re responsible to your child. “Kids look up to you for everything and if you aren’t there, who will they learn from?”

Hama’s tips to keep in touch with your child include using Skype, messaging platforms such as emails, text or WhatsApp. “Regular visits are also important, depending on your schedule”

Psychologist Amanda Fortes says, “Be consistent and dependable. When you make time to see your child, stick to it. Just because the relationship with your ex has ended, doesn’t mean you can’t be the dad you’ve always wanted to be.” Hamas advises you give your child an impression that you’re reliable.

In the midst of a busy work schedule, DJ Sbu strives to do everything with his daughter. “We go to the zoo so she can have fun and learn at the same time. Other than that, it’s the normal stuff of organising play dates or family visits.”

BE ACTIVE

Hama proposes that single fathers “maintain constant communication with the caretaker of their child. It could be the child’s mother, nanny, relative or friend who can mediate between you and the mom should there be a communication breakdown. Find out how the child is doing and what they need.”

For school, the pyschologist recommends that the father play a role in their education. “Speak directly to the kid’s teacher as most schools now give out their cellphone number and email addresses. Also, go to parent–teacher meetings to find out how your child’s progressing.”

In the same article, Grief suggests being present in your child’s school extramural activities, sports games and practices as these signal to them that they have your support. “Your presence sends the message to the child that despite your busy schedule, they’re still a priority.” William adds: “Odwa doesn’t stay with me but I see her often. The cool thing about today’s world is technology, so we’re always on the phone chatting. Every morning she wakes up with a text from me wishing her a great day. When she’s back from school she gives me an update. I also do homework with her every day. I’m present in everything that has to do with my daughter. For example, she dreams of being a TV presenter and so I coach her. I’ve enrolled her for TV presenting classes.”

Another psychologist Dr Sam Buser says: “The family meal at your place allows more opportunity to converse and find out what’s going on in your child’s life.” He also suggests going away during school holidays as this is one of the best ways to bond and show that you love them very much.

William echoes the same thing: “Every week Odwa and I watch a movie together – that’s one of our rituals. And every other Saturday I take her with me to Metro FM to experience the entertainment world, which she wants to be part of. With that we also get to spend more time together.”

Hama adds that simple things like taking your child for an outing, regular calls to check up on them and being present in times of difficulty, reading for and with them, shopping or taking them for a haircut, means a lot.

Fortes adds: “Being proactive in a child’s life means ensuring you’ve built a solid, open and consistent relationship. This foundation will open the forum for open communication and being able to see how your child is. It’s impossible without this foundation to be proactive.”

GET BACK TO DATING

When it comes to dating, relationship expert Paula Quinsee advises that you take time for yourself and reflect on your previous relationship before you start dating. “See why it didn’t work out and how those lessons can improve your next relationship. Revealing your child should be in the beginning of a new relationship. “You need honesty and openness from the start. The sooner it is for you to reveal that you’re divorced and have children, the better. William adds, “Everyone that comes into my life knows that I have a daughter, it’s no secret. I’ve put her up on Instagram. I’m a father first before being anyone’s significant other, and everyone that comes into my life knows that.” Also, talk to your kids about dating, Quinsee recommends. “The relationship should be secure so that the kids know that you have a life without making them feel neglected.” She adds that when you’re ready, “Start thinking of introducing the new partner to the kids. This should be done in a neutral environment – a restaurant for lunch or coffee. It shouldn’t be at your house as the kids will feel cornered and threatened. Being in social or family activities, eg. at a braai, makes both parties feel safe. That way, the kids won’t feel threatened by the new partner and vice versa.”

When introducing your ex to your new partner, Quinsee suggests that, “you create a cohesive environment, whether the new partner likes it or not, the ex will always be part of your life. There’ll always be a third party. You should have an amicable relationship with mother where she too is made to feel secure that the new woman isn’t trying to replace her to her child.

“More so that the new woman is a place of safety and if the child is in need of anything, she’s there for the child. When the mother sees the new woman is not a threat, then the new couple will feel at ease.”

Fatherhood is nothing conscience or a decision you make, it’s organic because once you’re a parent you just fall in love with a beautiful being that comes into your life. “That’s why I work that much harder now because it’s for my daughter. I want to be able to take care of her.” He adds: “I’ve grown more patient since having Waratwa, and learnt so much about unconditional love,” says DJ Sbu.