Sex – What turns him on
Saucy foreplay or eye contact, we find out what good sex is for him.
Everyone wants to be better in bed. But, say sex and relationship therapists and authors of Enjoy Sex (How, When
and If You Want To), Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock, if we’re able to let go of our ideas about ‘proper’ sex, we may find that we’re more able to tune into what we actually enjoy. “It’s about finding out what works for us rather than trying to match an ideal of what we’ve been told sex is.”
Even if you’re happy with your sex life, there’s always room for, erm, growth. Before you start working on your skills between the sheets, a great starting point will be to know what your man feels makes for good sex. Barker and Hancock continue: “We’re not the same. Different things work for many people, and for the same person at different points in their life.” Here’s what men wish you knew about what pleases them in bed.
1. MAKE EYE CONTACT
Sex expert Susan Quilliam says: “Keeping eye contact when you go down on him connects you both instantly. He’ll know that you’re thinking about him and that you want to give him maximum pleasure, instead of just going through the motions.” Even though the results are life-changing, it requires only a tiny adjustment to your normal routine. The impact of eye contact is emotional rather than physical – he won’t be screaming, but it’ll enhance his whole experience. “The fact that you’re looking at him makes him feel more secure and relaxed. He doesn’t have to worry about his performance or pleasing you, which means he’ll be even more aroused,” explains Quilliam.
“Eye contact raises you both to another emotional level. You hold it with someone when you’re attracted to them so doing it during sex will have a massive physical effect on both of you,” she explains. So what are the signs your new technique is making an impact? Quilliam adds: “Your heart will beat faster, your blood pressure will rise and your breathing will change. The physical and emotional security will guarantee the best show ever.”
2. TURN YOURSELF ON
No, we’re not suggesting that you master the art of striptease – it’s about turning yourself on, for him. “Touching yourself in front of your man is incredibly sexy and will have a huge effect on him,” says sex expert Dr Petra Boynton. “Taking something private and making it public for his pleasure is a sure-fire way to impress and excite him.” And the best news is that it’s something you can easily practise on your own before showcasing it in the bedroom.
Research reveals that women who masturbate are the happiest as they’re able to guide their partner on how to get her to reach climax. You know exactly what gets you going. “Ask him if he wants to watch while you turn yourself on,” says Dr Boynton. “He won’t refuse your offer and even it’s a few minutes, you’ll have his attention.” Another bonus that’ll turn your man on is the free lesson in pleasure you’ll be giving him. “If you know how you like to be touched, guide and encourage him to try it,” suggests the sex expert. If he can see that you’re enjoying yourself, he’ll soon start making mental notes. The thing to do is include him. Barker and Hancock add that you must focus on your pleasure. “It may well be that one of the things we love is seeing another person enjoying themselves.”
Adds Dr Boynton: “Simply saying things like ‘this is how I touch myself when I’m alone and thinking of you,’ will make him feel part of the experience and wanted.” The next obvious step is to ask him if he’d like to take over, and pretty soon you’ll be having amazing sex.
3. TREAT EVERYTIME LIKE THE FIRST TIME
Vusi, 37, and Lelo, 33, have been together for years and are used to routine. They kiss quickly and then move to their favourite position – missionary. “It’s interesting that a lot of sex advice advocates things that ‘spice up’ your sex life, which aims at introducing an element of surprise and uncertainty, which makes everything exciting,” says Barker and Hancock, adding that you need to be present during sex.
Thembi, 36, who spoke to a sex therapist says: “I’ve found it useful to slow down when my partner is touching me. Before I’d always become tense and speed everything up, racing for climax, and sometimes the feeling would disappear because I was trying too hard. Now, I deliberately slow down my breathing so I can focus on feeling his fingers move. Something about that is very sensual, and slower orgasms have a different quality – they’re intense.”
Barker and Hancock say: “If we can make this kind of tuning in and being present our new habit, we’ll often find that sex becomes more enjoyable, more connected, safer and more sensual than it was before.”
4. MAKE THE MOVE
According to another sex expert, Denise Knowles, couples who have the best sex are the ones that share what they’re thinking, with each other. “Mentally preparing before sex will help focus your mind so you’re not lying there thinking about the laundry.” How do we achieve that then? Knowles has the answer. “One way of getting yourself in the mood is to simply think about how sexy your man is, and how you like to be touched. Another technique is to work together: read something that turns both of you on. It’s definitely less embarrassing than suggesting you look at porn or read him a dirty story. Reading something that excites you is the easiest way to get on the same sexual wavelength.” She continues adding that sharing your favourite novel with your man gives you the chance to share something that turns you on without having to tell your man directly.
“Think of reading your favourite part of the book as an extension of foreplay. In the same way that your mouth starts to water when you see something you want to eat, your body will become charged and ready for sex.” This means you’ll both be turned on, making sex explosive – and he’ll love the fact that you’ve initiated it.
5. CHALLENGE HIM
Get your man to use his tongue like a pen and ‘write’ a love letter on your clitoris, says sex expert Tracey Cox. “This will make sure he’s varying the movements and won’t overstimulate one area.” For extra oomph, ask him to whisper in your ear what he’s going to write before going down on you. Ask your man to wear a vibrating cock ring next time you have sex, says sexpert Emily Dubberley. “It keeps him harder for longer and will increase your chances of climaxing. Whether he’s on top or you are, the clitoral stimulation will drive you wild.”
Also, challenge him to find your G-spot. This elusive area can be responsible for a lot of pleasure. “Get your man to insert his first and middle fingers inside you, with his palm facing upwards,” says Nicci Talbot, author of Fast Sex: Great Sex Anytime! Anywhere! “Then he needs to curve his fingers forward like he’s doing a ‘come here’ motion.” Feel something hot? Once he’s found it all he needs to do is massage the area slowly and you’ll be one very satisfied woman. With practice and open communication, you’ll be a sex goddess in no time.