Sex – Hot tips
Is there something you’d like to try in bed, but are too afraid to bring up? Our expert answers all your burning sex questions.
Is your sex life going through a dull stage? Is there a subject matter you’re too shy to discuss with your man? Our sex expert has your back.
Our sex drives differ – how do we balance this?
Masturbation – it’s that simple. For both parties. Think of it as snacking between meals. You still look forward to the main course, but in the meantime, a snack takes the edge off. That’s not to say that the solo sex should take place without the other person: sometimes a woman is not in the mood for intercourse, but she still wants the intimacy of being with her man while he reaches a climax. In this case, she can still be an active participant, using her hands and tongue to bring him to orgasm.
Sometimes my partner doesn’t seem interested, and I feel like it’s my fault. Do men have moments when they’re simply not into sex?
Of course they do! Just like women, men get tired, overworked and stressed, and sex may be the last thing on their mind. Medication, obesity, smoking and drinking can all impact on a man’s desire and ability to have sex. Older men may fear failure because their erections aren’t as strong or as regular as they used to be. Don’t assume you’re to blame. Gently ask him how he’s feeling, what’s wrong, does he want to talk about it. Whatever it is, it can be fixed.
My partner is not shy, and would like to have sex in the garden. What if someone sees us?
Isn’t that the point!? Seriously, the people most likely to see you are members of your family or your house help. Choose a time when they’ll all be away, spread a blanket on the lawn and let him have his evil way with you. A second blanket should be within easy reach, just in case. Other options are a quickie with you standing up against a tree, fully clothed and skirt hitched up. He’ll get his kicks, and you’ll still feel dressed.
When my man is very stressed, will sex help to alleviate some of his tension?
Yes, but don’t give him added stress by insisting that you orgasm as well. Sometimes, all a man needs to unwind is to have an utterly selfish orgasm. Suggest he masturbate his cares away, or give him a blow job. He can make it up to you later!
When he can’t reach orgasm, is it a reflection on me? What can I do to help him?
Some men are quick ejaculators; others take much longer. If your man has always reached orgasm in, say 10 minutes, and now takes forever or not at all, he may have an underlying health problem. Encourage him to see his doctor. However, the reason he can’t orgasm could be something obvious. Is your baby sleeping in the same room with you? Is he stressed at work? Have you recently given birth and he fears hurting you? Has your relationship taken a downturn? If you said ‘no’ to all these, remember that intercourse alone isn’t always enough – perhaps he needs more visual and physical stimulation, in which case you might consider introducing porn, sexy lingerie and sensual massages – especially around his frenulum (the underside of the head of the penis) – into your love-making.
Do men have a G-spot? If so, where is it located and how can I stimulate it?
Yes! It’s the prostate gland. Get him to lie on his back, knees drawn up. Insert a well-lubricated finger into his anus, up to the first or second knuckle. Then, making a ‘come hither’ movement, feel around until you feel a walnut-shaped lump. This is the prostate gland or P-spot. Start massaging firmly in a downward direction (towards the exit). Combine this with a blow job or a massage of the frenulum for a mind-blowing experience.
I’ve been married for 10 years and am not as sexually responsive as I was when I was younger. What could be the problem?
If we accept that you and your man are happy with your relationship, your life and your career, the problem may be boredom. There are no surprises in your sex life anymore. Surprise lights up the brain and makes you feel euphoric – the way you felt when you first fell in love. Introduce some new and sexy ways to recapture those early days, such as unexpected gifts, sensual baths or massages, quickie sex, outdoor sex, role play, oral sex, sex toys and edible lubricants.
They say size doesn’t matter, but my man is too small, and he doesn’t satisfy me during sex. How can I change that?
The average erect human penis is 13-14cm long. That’s roughly three times longer than the erect penis of the male silverback gorilla. Your man, by gorilla standards, is a veritable King Kong! Still, this is of little comfort if you’re unable to reach an orgasm during sex. But you need to know this: the size of a penis has nothing to do with a woman’s satisfaction. Your sexual nerve endings are all situated in and around the clitoris and the entrance to the vagina, not deep inside the vagina itself. Even a man with a tiny willy can bring you to orgasm with the right technique – foreplay, pressure on the clitoris, and a rhythmic in-and-out motion. Try different positions for maximum sensations – and give yourself a hand. We girls need to take some responsibility for our own pleasure.
Threesomes – I know he’d like them, but wouldn’t that spoil our relationship? What are the guidelines?
In a fantasy, the idea of a three-or-more-some is great. But in reality, it can lead to jealousy, heartache and break-ups. However, if you’re satisfied that your relationship is rock-solid, that you both know what’s involved, have discussed it at length, and have established the boundaries, there is nothing to stop you trying it. It may add a new frisson to your sex life and deepen your bond, knowing that you have shared a ‘taboo’ experience. But don’t be tempted to bring a friend into your threesome – rather find a like-minded stranger online. Alternatively, you may find that a girl-on-girl kiss in a club will be enough to satisfy your man’s craving for a threesome. Whatever you try, be safe – this can be a risky lifestyle.
If things are lukewarm for me during sex, do I speak up and sort it out, or will I bruise his ego?
A woman doesn’t come with a list of instructions, so help the poor man out. But yes, be mindful of his ego, and be gentle. When he gets it wrong, don’t sit up crossly and say, “Well, that’s not working!” Stay in the mood and guide his hands and tongue to where you want them to be. Murmur your appreciation and breathe, “Ooooh baby, there, yes, that’s it, oh yeah!” This is not a time for deep conversations.