Relationships – Single, childless and happy

More and more women are rejecting the idea of being married and having kids. Here’s why.

In her famous 2012 TED talk We Should

All Be Feminists, award-winning Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said: “Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices, always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage, and we don’t teach boys the same?”

Her speech became so popular that Beyoncé sampled it in her 2013 hit

Flawless. Adichie’s take on how society conditions girls to aspire to marriage is spot-on. You can be successful in all areas of your life, but people will always ask: “So, when are you getting married and having babies?”

So entrenched is this idea that even someone rich and powerful like Oprah Winfrey isn’t immune to it. “I used to get that question all the time: ‘Why haven’t you married Stedman?’ Actually, Stedman asked me to marry him, and at first I said ‘yes’. But it turned out that I wanted to be asked to be married more than I wanted to be married,” she told O magazine.

Explaining her decision never to walk down the aisle, US actress Eva Mendez said: “I actually think it’s really sexy to be with someone in your 50s and 60s and be like, ‘That’s my boyfriend.’ I think husband and wife is just very unsexy.”

South African-born actress Charlize Theron has said: “Marriage was never important to me. I really want for myself a long-term relationship. That’s the kind of union that I want. The actual ceremony is not something that is important to me.”

These statements tend to raise eyebrows or elicit this response: “She’ll change her mind when she meets the right person.” This implies that being a single woman is supposed to be temporary.

A MATTER OF CHOICE

Says British writer Sammi Cole in her article, Why it’s okay not to want to get

married: “Some of us may well change our minds as and when we meet someone new; some of us won’t. But let us be the judge of that.”

Joburg-based relationship expert Paula Quinsee says: “At the end of the day, it’s your personal choice. You don’t have to justify your reasons to anyone for wanting to be single and childless as it has nothing to do with anyone.”

Life coach and relationship expert Thembi Hama says women have transcended many societal limitations and expectations, and have discovered that there are a variety of ways to find joy and fulfilment. “They’re going out into the world to give of themselves in the best way they can. Having children is not the only way that you can become a mother. Some women choose not to have kids, others adopt and still others are happy being aunts.

“Similarly, getting married does not guarantee happiness either. Some women remain single, while others live with their partners. Marriage has ceased to be a standard for success or wholeness. Most women are embracing their own life choices and doing things their way.”

FACING THE CONSEQUENCES

Hama says it is wonderful that we get to live with the consequences of our choices, whatever they may be. “You marry for yourself, you have children for yourself. Societal pressures will always be there, but succumbing to them will only result in you being a public success and a private failure.

“The best way of doing life is to stay true to yourself because that’s what gives you peace at the end of the day. The best thing to do is to find people who are supportive and compassionate.”

Couples who cohabit are also asked when they’re going to get married. This is puzzling, given South Africa’s sobering marriage statistics.

Statistics South Africa (Stats SA) revealed in July this year that there were 138 267 marriages recorded in 2015. That’s a significant decrease compared with the 150 852 marriages recorded in 2014.

As for the divorce rate, at the end of 2016, Stats SA revealed that 25 260 divorce forms were processed – up from 24 689 in 2014.

“For males, the peak ages to divorce was 40 to 44 for all population groups except coloured people, where the peak was in the age group 45 to 49 years,” read its report. “For females, the peak ages in the coloured and white population groups was 40 to 44 years. The peak ages for black African and Indian/Asian population groups was 35 to 39 years.”

Explains Quinsee: “Many people are finding other ways of being happier, which is not necessarily in a marriage. And society has made it a lot easier for people to walk away from unhappy marriages – unlike in earlier times, you aren’t stigmatised if you divorce. Divorce is very common these days and although it is a sad reality, it enables a couple to part ways and go on with their lives as independent individuals.”

THE ECONOMY PLAYS A PART

In her article, All The Single Ladies, published in the American news magazine The Atlantic back in 2011, Kate Bolick suggested that marriage was undergoing a radical change, with fewer couples getting married and others putting their weddings on hold. “It’s quite possible that this retreat from marriage has been driven in part, at least, by the declining economic position of men,” she wrote.

Quinsee agrees. “Many women are choosing to have careers these days. They’re far more ambitious than the generations before. Back then, many men wanted their wives to stay at home and could afford to support them and the children. With the rising cost of living, this is no longer financially viable. Women have been earning their own money for decades now and couples are choosing more liberating lifestyles by travelling or acquiring assets rather than prioritising kids. They want financial stability first.”

To avoid any later regrets about not having had children, Quinsee advises that you check in with yourself and your partner every year to see if this is a decision you want to continue with.

Hama mentions trauma as another reason women aren’t keen on getting hitched. “They may have lost a loved one through a break-up and don’t want to go into another relationship and risk being rejected,” she says. “Or they may be carrying scars from childhood, having perhaps seen their mother being badly treated by their father.”

Hama puts the single and childless trend down to societal changes. “Women are delaying marriage until later because of its perceived limitations. You can’t do whatever you want when you’re married with kids and your time is not your own. So, women are recognising this and are putting their needs first.”