Indepth – Bullying

What should you do if your child is being bullied? And what if your child is the bully?

In September, parents were horrified by the story of a Grade 2 pupil at a primary school in Ekhurhuleni who took a gun and ammunition to school, allegedly to warn off a bully. This shocking incident is just one of the ramifications that can arise when bullying is not properly handled by schools and parents. Even when it doesn’t escalate to the point of firearms, bullying has serious consequences.

“My son, who is eight years old, has been bullied by the same boy since he was six,” says Mpho*. “In the beginning, he thought they were just playing, but when he would tell us about his day, we started picking up that something wasn’t right. We had to explain to him that friends don’t hurt each other. They are the same age, but the other child, Sbu, is bigger and often pushes him around.”

Mpho approached the teachers at her son’s pre-school, but was told that “they’re just being boys”. The teachers tried to reassure her by promising to “keep an eye on the situation”.

“It would get better, then it would get worse,” recalls Mpho. “My son would come home with bruises and say Sbu pushed him off the scooter, or Sbu said he was going to kill my son’s dad and me. It haunted him. In Grade 1, we were disappointed to find out that Sbu was again in his class. The year started off fine, but before long Sbu started bullying him again, ripping his shirt, tripping him, locking him in the toilet, punching him and grabbing his school bag so that he’d fall.”

Mpho met with her son’s class teacher, who informed her that Sbu had anger issues and was seeing a therapist. “But that did not solve the situation with my son,” she says. “We don’t condone fighting, but eventually we got to the point of telling our son this: ‘If Sbu punches you again, punch him in the nose, just once. Stand up for yourself, and he’ll get such a fright, he’ll leave you alone.’ My son is very soft-hearted – he isn’t a fighter, and that’s why I’m so concerned about this. I read all these horror stories about children and what they do because they’re being bullied, and it keeps me up at night, because I am so worried about my little boy.

“As a parent, what do you do? Do you teach your child to fight to defend themselves? Doesn’t that make it more dangerous? Do you meet with the other child’s parents? But then what happens when it’s just your child and the bully, and the bully is even angrier because he got into trouble?”

According to Johannesburg-based educational psychologist Anita Decaires-Wagner, kids often don’t tell their parents when they are being bullied, which is why it’s important to look out for warning signs.

“My son was bullied at crèche, and I could see a change in him,” says Lerato*. “He started getting very aggressive and hitting his sisters. I only realised what was behind it when he left the crèche a few months ago. He told me how this one kid told the others to make a circle around him and each one took a turn to beat him up. I was so shocked. I asked him why he didn’t tell me when it happened, and he said he was scared that he would make it worse.”

WHAT CONSTITUTES BULLYING?

Before you take action, make sure bullying is really going on. “Bullying is an extreme word, and is often used too easily,” says Anita. “We should be careful of the label – exclusion is not necessarily bullying, and parents usually only hear one side of the story. Some kids are very sensitive to testing things out, even when it’s playful. I’m not saying don’t believe what your child tells you – just gather all the information before you react. Bullying is when there is an intent to harm and when there’s a power imbalance between the children.”

TYPES OF BULLYING

Physical: Sometimes bullies get physical – they hit, punch and kick people or steal and break things.

Emotional: This is less overt. A bully will name-call, say nasty or humiliating things, spread untrue rumours or encourage others to exclude someone from the group.

Cyberbullying: Online bullying is becoming very common as it gives the bully a degree of anonymity. This includes posting nasty pictures and messages on the internet and on Facebook, Twitter and Mxit.

Anita explains: “Broadly, I would say that bullying between boys is more overt and physical, whereas bullying among girls is more covert and relational. If you suspect something may be wrong, ask your child. Listen to them and take what they say seriously. Reassure them that they were right in telling you, but don’t promise to keep it a secret.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

According to a recent study published in US journal Pediatrics, a child experiences more severe and lasting health effects the longer he or she is bullied. Researcher Laura Bogart, who led the study, believes that intervention is key.

“The sooner we stop the child from being bullied, the less likely bullying is to inflict lasting damage on the child’s health down the road. Our research shows that long-term bullying has a severe impact on a child’s overall health, and that its negative effects can accumulate and get worse with time.”

Anita agrees, saying: “My advice would be to contact the school, if that’s where the bullying occurred. Ask a teacher to check it out – all schools have anti-bullying policies. If the story turns out to be true, it’s important to get the kids into a win-win situation. Call them both in and try to get them to talk it out. There should be consequences, but an overly harsh punishment will just cause the bully to resent the victim and may even lead to retribution.”

Until the issue is resolved, your child should avoid situations where they are alone with the bully. Tell them to play near where the teacher is and to stay with their friends as much as possible. And if they’re going home on foot, make sure there’s a way for them to do so with others.

“You also need to strengthen the child who’s being bullied,” says Anita. “Kids who are socially okay are rarely picked on, so work on developing your child’s self-confidence, assertiveness and social skills. Extramural activities can also help to widen their social circle.”

IF YOUR CHILD IS THE BULLY

“The first thing is to be careful about harshly punishing the child,” says Anita. “Parents are usually embarrassed when they find out their child is bullying, and they often overreact, which can worsen the situation and create even more conflict. Stay calm, and get the facts.”

Next, make it very clear to the child that bullying is not okay. Then try to figure out why your child is bullying. Says Anita: “Ask this: What is the unmet need? For some children, bullying is a way of expressing their feelings of powerlessness – for instance, when they themselves are being bullied (usually by an older sibling), or if they’re feeling highly stressed by their circumstances at home, perhaps because of a new baby, a move or an illness. For others, it has to do with a lack of empathy or poor impulse control – perhaps they don’t know how to resolve conflict. Children who bully are often dealing with big emotions, so it’s critical that you get to the root of the problem.”

Bullies need counselling and to be taught how to deal with anger and frustration in non-violent ways. “Physical activity can help to release emotions. A creative outlet can also be soothing,” says Anita. “Sometimes it’s even as simple as making sure they are gainfully employed: kids who have something to do during break times are much less likely to get into trouble.”

CAN YOU BULLY-PROOF YOUR CHILD?

The best solution to bullying is to increase bystander involvement, says US parenting expert Barbara Coloroso, an acclaimed speaker and author of various books, including Kids Are Worth It! and Parenting Through Crisis. In a situation where bullying occurs there are usually three groups, she says: the bully, the bullied and the bystander. Barbara believes there is no such thing as an innocent bystander, and that the best way to put an end to bullying is to teach children to occupy

a fourth category: the ally. In her book, The Bully, the Bullied

and the Not-So innocent Bystander, she writes: “Bystanders are usually in the majority, and they are the ones who witness or hear about the bullying. Part of the bully’s power is creating the impression that bystanders support his or her actions, which is why it is up to them to intervene. Passive bystanders usually do not want to get involved, as they fear retribution from the bully and his or her supporters. Others are apathetic because they don’t believe they will be able to influence the situation. In both cases, the bully wins, as he or she has power over both the victim and the bystanders. On the other hand an active bystander or ally knows that, as they are in the majority, they have power if they band together.”

Children are often locked in a tribe of comradeship, which makes it hard for them to stand up and speak out. So how does one teach them to become active bystanders? “It goes beyond giving kids information,” says Barbara. “We have to care.”

The key, she says, lies in raising children who are not dependent on praise. “Having a strong-willed child can be difficult at times. But kids who are praise- and rewarddependent make wonderful henchmen. Reward-dependent children will do things to please us when they are little, but will do things to please their peers when they are older.”

Your role as a parent is crucial because bullying is largely learned behaviour, says Barbara. If your child is bullying others, or is passively standing by and watching as others are being bullied, it’s time to take a long, hard look at how you behave. “How do you treat hired help?” she writes. “How do you treat the new neighbour, who looks different? How do you treat somebody moving through the grocery store a little slower than you’d like them to? Your children are watching.

“We all have bigoted relatives somewhere in the family tree. Some are right there around the dinner table, spewing thinly disguised racist comments. Can your children hear you saying ‘I’m bothered by that’ or ‘That was cruel’ when all the other relatives roll their eyes and say, ‘What, can’t you take a joke?’… Your children need to see you standing up for values and against injustice when it’s uncomfortable to do it.”

Schoolyard bullying may not seem like that big a problem in the grand scheme of things, but Barbara believes that it should be taken very seriously. “It’s a short walk from schoolyard bullying to hate crimes,” she says. “Bullying is a conscious, wilful act intended to harm, where you derive pleasure from somebody else’s pain. And it is often continuous and repeated. Hate crimes start with bullying and escalate to criminal bullying. And often it all starts with verbal bullying; dehumanising another person, making someone into an ‘it’. The saying, ‘Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me’, is a lie.”

A study published in US journal Psychological Science showed that individuals who are bullied in childhood are more likely to have a psychiatric disorder, smoke, struggle to keep work and have difficulty maintaining friendships.

“Bullying is often seen as part of growing up or brushed off as ‘boys will be boys’. But trying to fault the target is part of the problem,” says Barbara. “You don’t have to like every kid. But you must honour their dignity and self-worth.”